The Business Man Report

April 1999

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The Sick Businessman`s "Are You Insane?" Test

Instructor: Prof S. Businessman

(B.Sc Ph.d AA, YMCA, ATP, TNT, C&A, BSE, MoD, ð)

Name:

Age:

Date:

Email Address:

Now listen here this test, based on hypothetical, moral and mostly real situations, determines whether you are insane.

QUESTION 1
You are at at a high society, upper class meal with the Queen, the Prime Minister, Paul Danniels and lots of other important people. You decide you would like some brown sauce to put on your caviar but the Queen is hogging it all. Do you

a) Ask the Queen politly and most courteously for the sauce

b) Kill `em all.

c) Steal teh sauce and stuff it all down the Queens throat.

QUESTION 2
A person you don`t like very much approaches you. You want to avoid them at all costs. Do you

a) Make your best unhurtful excuse and leave.

b) Disguise yourself as Janice Street-Porter.

c) Just Kill the General.

QUESTION 3
You have just been made redundent, you need money fast. Do you

a) Ask for a loan.

b)
Kidnap Noel Edmons and demand as much as you can get ransom wise (27p).

c) Become a Lap dancer.

QUESTION 4
When you see a homeless person on the street cold, startving and alone what do you do?

a) Give them some spare change and show them tonnes of pity.

b) Buy the biggest chocolate cake in the world, eat it in front of them and laught loudly, whilst doing an imprssion of Michael Flatly.

c) Offer him/her £ 30,000 if he lets some mad rich bloke hunt him/her down.

QUESTION 5
You are wrongly sent to prison for a crime you did not commit (robbery), on circumstantial evidance such as being at the scene of the crime, holding a sawn-off shotgun at the managers head, with a handful of £50 notes in the other hand. You decide to escape. Do you

a) Become really skinny and learn yoga so you can then fold your self up into your friend's bag when he comes to visit.

b) Ask the guard if he'll lend you the key.

c) Cut the quards face off and put it and his clothes on you, take his keys and gun and then dig a tunnel out of the prision!

QUESTION 6
Do you like to eat people?

a) Yes.

b) No.

c) Not On Fridays.

QUESTION 7
What do you like about the businessman`s ideas?

If you would like to send me any psychological problems or praise write a letter stick it up your chimney and wait for a reply. For those who want a reply some time soon just email me at business_man@usa.net

AND TO RESPOND TO APRIL 1999 BUSINESSMAN REPORT:
GENERAL E. GOOD - OUR CHIEF CRITIC

From: General E Good, Earth Force Command

With the Businessman`s (life model for the Michelin Man) intresting Questionaire I felt I had to publish one of my own. This is a selection of questions you would be asked if you wanted to join 8my Military (or even cleanning if I am interviewing!) staff.

Name(or codename):

Rank: Age:

Date:

Email Address:

QUESTION 1
You are walking down a street and trip up, somebody laughs, do you:

a) Hit them.

b) Shoot them.

c) Walkaway.

d) Nuke them.

e) All of the Above.

QUESTION 2
The builder who built your new Torture chamber over charges you, do you:

a) Test the facilities on him/her.

b) Knock his house down.

c) Ask Ivanova for hints on how to prolong his suffering.

d) Nuke them.

e) All of the Above.

QUESTION 3
A weird bald security officer arrests you and puts you in a cell with a Mr Potato head and a slowly revolving wooden cude, do you:

a) Look confused and confess to anything so you are moved

b) Dismember Mr Potato head but gain enlightenment from the cube.

c) Throw something at Security Cheif and beat him up.

d) Nuke something Indian (why not?)

e) All of the Above.

QUESTION 4
You run into the Businessman who is on his way to a Richard Whitley look alike and appreciation society, do you?

a) Steal his punmaster 2000.

b) Remark upon his striking and spooky similarity to Richard Whitely.

c) Just hit him.

d) Nuke them.

e) All of the Above.

QUESTION 5
You at Airport Customs about to holiday in Siberia (or Serbia if you can`t spell) when the offical asks if you packed your own bags, do you reply:

a) Yes I did

b) No, two Masked terrorists burst into my house and packed my bags at gunpoint.

c) Say No, then run past them dodging gun fire and hjack the planne to Siberia with a gennectical modified bannana in the shape of a machine gun.

d) Nuke`em

e) All of the Above.

QUESTION 6
The person in front of you in the Cinema is Slurping his drink during the epic film "Babylon 5 - A cal to Arms" do you:

a) Ignore him and jut watch the explosive action.

b) Ask him to shut up or all his meals will have to be slurped through a tube.

c) Throttle him.

d) Tak him to a small Island and Nuke him.

e) All of the Above.

QUESTION 7
What don`t you like about the businessman?

This was just a brief section of questions, which you should recieve your reply to in a few days

Your comments are allways read so e-mail me at generalegood@usa.net

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