The Business Man Report - December 1999

December 1999

General E Good Logo

From: General E Good, Earth Force Command

I’ve decided to give Sicko the month off so I can write another epic film story.

Sicko TV Advert

-At last I have control of all TV networks and in two days I will broadcast Whale Street from a secret location so no one can stop it, and if anyone tries I have 16 rockets armed with Lethal Merv gas, alright, slightly inconvenient hair growth inducing Merv Gas. I am Unstoppable.

Gen-Lefcourt: I called you all here today so you can see the situation for yourself. We must stop his broadcast or sanity ends with the current generation.

(Calls B5 staff to Conference Room)

Lefcourt - You’re here because you’ve had the best people to stop them who weren’t busy when we called them.

Sheridan - That’s good to know, all right lets Nuke `em.

Lefcourt - No captain, we must be more careful, the place is lined with Quantium 40, more destructive then Uranium or Plutonium.

Sheridan - Please, I live to Nuke.

Lefcourt -No, I remember the last time you had Quantium 40.

Sheridan - Well Epsilon 4 was a small planet, didn’t think you’d notice, anyway whose on my team?

Lefcourt - Weapons and martial arts expert Commander Ivanova, Chemical weapons expert Doctor Franklin and the bald one that follows you round a lot.

Sheridan - You mean Garibaldi.

Lefcourt - You Leave tomorrow.

Sheridan - But where’s the location?

Lefcourt - This is where the final team member comes in.

(Enters Commander Sinclair)

Sinclair - Hello Captain, using sophisticated techniques I have found his location.

Sheridan - How?

Sinclair - There was a large signpost behind him which read "Castle Sicko, French Alps."

Lefcourt - You’ll meet our contact there, look for long honey hair.

Scene 2 - Small Village near Castle Sicko.

Ivanova: - So where’s the contact?

Garibaldi - I bet its Fozzie bear.

Sheridan - No it isn’t, look over there.

Contact - Hello, are you the secret team here to cause explosions. I’m Marcus you’re contact!

Sheridan - What do we do now?

Marcus - The best way is the motorway up by

Sheridan - What about those cable cars?

Marcus - You have to pay to ride them.

Sheridan - Ride in or ride on?

Ivanova - Captain

Sheridan - Come! To the cable cars!

(On roof of cable car building)

Sheridan - Jump on my order.

Ivanova - Will all six of us fit?

Garibaldi - I’ll ride inside if you want.

Sheridan - No way.

Garibaldi - But its cold.

Sheridan - No, now jump!

(All land on roof but Garibaldi slips and hangs of side)

Cable Car Guy - You still have to pay you know.

Garibaldi - What about me, I’m hanging on the side?

(Sheridan fights guy and throws him off into a river.)

Ivanova - What do you do to Taxi drivers?

Sinclair - Look the castle, Shall I play the tape now?

Sheridan - Yes quick.

(Plays music to "Where Eagles Dare.")

Franklin - I knew you had this planned, I’ve seen the film, wait `till you get you’re new food plan.

(Cable car enters castle.)

Sheridan - Look two guards.

Ivanova - They look more like tourists.

Sheridan - GARIBALDI! Get em.

(Garibaldi falls from side of car with a loud crash.)

Tourist #1 - What was that?

Tourist #2 - Just the wind.

(Garibaldi eventually grabs them and ties them up)

Sheridan - Right, Doc and Marcus deal with the Merv gas, we will take care of the castle.

Ivanova - And if we can’t, a squadron of F18 jets will fire bomb the place.

Sinclair - Lets go.

(Marcus and Franklin find weapons storage)

Franklin -(On his radio) We found the gas packed in thousands of boxes but Marcus accidentally locked us in. Will try to escape

Scene 3 - Elsewhere in a corridor.

Ivanova - look, the set where they film.

Sheridan - And all the stars.

Sinclair - We gotta stop `em.

Garibaldi - Do you think we’ll meet Fonzzie bear?

(Meanwhile.)

Marcus - Waterfall, well I know Wall.

Franklin - Well done.

Marcus - That was easy, now, I spy with my little eye something beginning with err. B.

Franklin - Boxes?

Marcus - M?

Franklin - More boxes, and that’s when I shot him your honour.

Marcus - Alright, how about

(Sound from behind boxes.)

Marcus - Lookout its Sicko.

(Sicko attacks Franklin trying to strangle him. Franklin reaches for cylinder of Merv Gas).

Franklin - EAT THIS!

(Shoves Merv gas in mouth, immediately Sicko grows moustache)

Franklin - That moustache is going to get much bigger.

(Door opened by Sicko’s assistant)

Marcus - Run!

(Marcus and Franklin run, leaving Sicko and assistant locked in room. Meanwhile.)

Kipling - I am an actor.

Ivanova (in disguise) - All you have to do is look at the front of the rocket.

Kipling - Do I know you?

Ivanova - I know you.

Kipling - Really?

Ivanova - Yeah, you’re the rocket man.

(Ivanova hit launch button.)

Kipling - No I’m a Aaarggghhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!

Sheridan - Who are you?

(Ivanova takes of hat.)

Sheridan - Whoa that was pretty good.

Ivanova - Why do I bother.

(Garibaldi and Sinclair in golf cart being chased by bates in another golf cart on cliff edge)

Sinclair - Give me more speed.

Garibaldi - Its no good I should not have had that last donut.

(Bates throws Bowling ball tacking back of Sinclair’s cart.)

Garibaldi - All weapons at zero, reactor at critical.

Sinclair - All power to engines, set for full velocity ram, Afterburners on my mark MARK!

(Golf cart comes about at full speed and charges at Bates.)

Garibaldi - Abandon ship!

(Both jump out as carts collide throwing bates of the cliff. Elsewhere Clarky still alone in a room as he has no friends. Sheridan kicks down door.)

Sheridan - So, you don’t live B5.

Clarky - So, what do you want me to do?

Sheridan - Die!

(Shoves some Quantium 40 down his throat. Clarky begins to choke.)

Sheridan - Oh dear let me help.

(Slaps him on the back so hard that he flies through window.)

Sheridan - See you in hell.

(Massive explosion mostly absorbed by Sickos growing moustache.)

Sheridan - Let’s go the strike is on its way.

(Team evacuates by shuttle)

Sheridan - Isn’t it a little cramped with all of us in the cockpit?

Sinclair - The passenger compartment Is full of gelatinous mass.

(Tries to open door and hears oww.)

Sinclair - It also speaks.

(Meanwhile.)

F18 Pilot - So where the target, all three hills look the same?

F18 Squad Leader - What the hell

(Back on shuttle.)

Sheridan - I’m gonna check it out, Garibaldi; take the controls.

(10 seconds latter in a burning wreckage.)

Garibaldi - Lookout for what?

Ivanova - We need another vehicle.

Sheridan - I have a nuke with seats.

Sinclair - What about the double Decker bus, will even be able to use the M4 Bus lane with it.

Sheridan - Great, lets go.

(Drives of being chased by police for steeling bus.)

Ivanova - Don’t turn tight, theirs a low bridge.

(Sheridan turns right.)

Ivanova - What did I say?

Sheridan - Okay Jeff, do it.

(Sinclair puts tape on with James Bond theme tune.)

Ivanova - Ah hell.

(Top deck of Bus gets knocked off leaving wrecked police cars behind.)

Ivanova - Let’s just go to the airport.

(Meanwhile.)

F18 Pilot - It can’t be it’s impossible.

F18 Leader - Okay arm missiles, Fire One!

(Missiles launch and disappear into Moustache.)

F18 Pilot - Did we miss?

F18 Leader - Missiles ineffective, stand by to

(Mutant flying nits from Sicko’s wig appears, enhanced by Merv gas.)

F18 Leader - Break off! Break Off!

(Nits chase planes firing gunge.)

Marine Pilot - Oh no, you did not shoot that green stuff at me.

(Elsewhere, in orbit on Eartforce Destroyer.)

Sinclair - That was uncomfortable trip, all squashed in cokpit.

Sheridan - That damm mess, what is it?

(Shuttle breaks apart, Galloway emerges.)

Garibaldi - Its Fozzie bears evil twin!

Franklin - Run!

(All leave except Garibaldi.)

Garibaldi -Hey Fozzie!

(Galloway chases Garibaldi until Ivanova arrives with cargo Lifter vehicle, fights Galloway and defeats him after 0.83 seconds. Galloway escapes to launch bay and leaves.)

Ivanova - Now we’ll never stop him.

Sheridan - Has anyone seen my Nuke with seats?

(Meanwhile.)

F18 Pilot - Were out of missiles.

F18 leader - But we dislodged his wig, one more strike!

(Suddenly Kipling flies by on rocket and hits sickos bald head.)

F18 Leader - Target destroyed but we still have hair everywhere.

(Galloway riding Sheridan’s Nuke.)

F18 leader - Get the hell out of here.

(F18 squadron leaves as Galloway Approaches.)

Sheridan (with big red button.) - Smile you son of a bit

(Massive Explosion destroying hair.)