The Business Man Report

July 1999

Business Man Logo

Another edition of Whale Street you lucky people.

Scene 1: -Totting Hill market.

Jimmy: - What am I going to do with 15,000 commemorative Bayern Munich European Champions T-shirts! Dam that Solskjaer!

Fred Bates: - It's the worst buy you've made since that load of solar powered torches.

Jimmy: - Yes, well I've made very few mistakes in my business empire.

Fred Bates: - Well there were the naked pictures of Bernard Manning, those magic beans and that diary supposedly belonging to Hitler.

Jimmy: - Yeah it was only General E Good's. Anyway what to you want?

Fred Bates: -A nightie for my mother.

Jimmy: -What size?

Fred Bates: - Same size as me ER.... can I try some on, oh and some make-up and a purple wig.

Jimmy: - Am I right in assuming that you have the same complexion and head diameter to your mother.

(AWKWARD SILENCE)

Fred Bates: -Yes.

(MR. KIPLING WALKS BY HOLDING LARGE CUP OF COFFEE)

Mr. Kipling: -Hello, lads.

Jimmy: - Hello Mr.. . .look out for that gorgeous feminine moviestar!!!

(MR. KIPLING CRASHES INTO MOVIE STAR JULIA BORERTS SPILLING COFFEE ALL OVER HER)

Mr. Kipling: -I'm awfully sorry!

Julia Borerts: - My dress!! Look what you've done you bumbling, stupid, stuttering, Englishman. . . . . Will you be my boyfriend?

Mr. Kipling: -Okay.

Jimmy: - Boy, he's real smooth with the ladies. . .eh?

Fred Bates: -I wonder why I don't have such luck?

(DRESSED IN PINK NIGHTIE WEARING PURPLE WIG)

SCENE 2: -Mr Kipling's Flat

Julia Borerts: -What a nice romantic dinner we're having.

Mr. Kipling: - Yes, nothing could spoil tonight.

(DOORBELL RINGS)

Galloway: - Hello, Kip me old buddy, I was just passing by and thought I'd drop in on my old friend.

Mr. Kipling: - Friend?! You sent me a death threat yesterday!

Galloway: - Oh look a top Hollywood movie star Julia Borerts and coincidentally I have all of her merchandise . . .. Maybe she would like to sign it all.

(DOORBELL RINGS)

Farmer Offal: - Hello, I was just passing and. . . . .oh look top moviestar Julia Borerts how nice to meet you, and coincidentally I have some mistletoe with me.

Mr Kipling: -It's the middle of June!

(DOOR BELL RINGS)

Paparazzi: - We were all just passing by and. . .. .... .. oh look top moviestar Julia . . . .

(DOOR SLAMS IN THEIR FACE)

Galloway: -Well I'm off I have to sell some water from the fountain of youth to Jimmy, for Ł700.

Mr Kipling: -You just got that out of my tap!

Galloway: -Oh well bye then.

(GALLOWAY LEAVES)

Julia Borerts: -How are we going to escape the press ?

Yes how will they escape the press? Will Jimmy buy more shoddy goods from Galloway. Will Fred Bates find a good nightie to fit him . . .er . . . .I mean his mother?

All will be revealed, by the General who will no doubt kill off everyone with B5 characters and make a mockery of my show once again.

Anyway write to me at

22 Tickle Street

Planet of the Ken Dod'’s

5th Dimension

P.S: I MADE THIS!

Email me at business_man@usa.net

AND TO RESPOND TO BUSINESSMAN REPORT:
GENERAL E. GOOD - OUR CHIEF CRITIC

From: General E Good, Earth Force Command

In response to Sicko's last comment I will introduce new characters to kill off his cast, namely Colonel McQueen of the 58th Squadron U.S Marines.

McQueen: -I don’t give a damn for destiny. Everyone in his life knows when the defining, perhaps final moment is upon them. He is out there and no one can stop him until I face that moment...

John Wayne: -Are you doing all the talking?

McQueen: -Err, Yes

J. Wayne: -What did the psychiatrist say again?

McQueen: -Look lets just go.

(They walk in the markets passing shops such as Garibaldi's Radioactive Hotdogs, Ivanovas poison and other amusing items, and Captain Sheridans Bombs and other good stuff)

J. Wayne: -Look at that place, Jimmies market stall behind the elephant, oh its Galloway.

McQueen: -I want a word with him.

(Grabs Galloway and enters Ivanovas Shop walking past dead South Park Characters decorating the shop)

McQueen: -Where is he?

Galloway: -Where is who?

(McQueen pulls knife out at Galloway)

McQueen: -You know whom.

(McQueen closes door)

Ivanova: -(From in the shop) If you kill him painfully you get Ivanova points on your card!

J. Wayne: -Hey there Jimmy, where is the famous file star at

(Screams from Ivanovas shop)

Ivanova: -No like this.

(Even louder screams herd)

S U D D E N L Y

General E. Bad: -I AM GENERAL E BAD, NOT EVEN THE A-TEAM CAN STOP MY...

(Bad gets hit by a bus, while McQueen comes back out form Ivanovas Shop)

J. Wayne: -Find anything?

McQueen: -He has blutac on the back of his neck and loves Ewe Grant.

J. Wayne: -Lets rescues Julia Borerts from evil Kipling.

McQueen: -I have to find Chiggy Von Richtofen but I have friends...

Scene No. Whatever it is now - Kiplings flat

Kipling: -What do you think to this large wooden door I had fitted?

(Garibaldi Police car misses driving through door and hits someone)

Garibaldi: -I have killed a little old lady! Hang on its Bates, huh, Psycho.

Kipling: -As I was saying...

(Series of thumps on door followed by polite knocking. Kipling Opens the Door)

General E Bad: -Remind me never to try and jump through a large wooden door, anyway your all hostages, Ill stand in front of the door in my Communist suit and not even the A-Team can save you.

(At which point Modified Golf cart smashes through door)

Visitors: -Hey, We're the A-Team get on quick! We will fly out of here.

Mr T: -I isn’t getting on no aeroplane, fool!

(Cart drives off with too many people on and Kipling sits in his ruined house)

Kipling: -At least it can’t get any worse.

(Kiplings roof blown off by Colonel McQueen SA-43 attack jet as it chases Chiggy Von Richtofens Stealth Fighter)

Kipling: -Well it can’t get any worse now.

(Starts to raining)

Kipling: -Can’t get any worse now.

(Starts raining fish)

Kipling: - Well at least it can’t...

(Hit by falling cow)