 Now here is another riveting edition of the top soap Whale Street. SCENE 1:The Psycho and his Mother (PUB) Mr. Kipling: - Are you already for the big football grudge match against our rival pub "The Pervert and the donkey". Team: -Yes, boss! Mr. Kipling: - Good now as the new Player/Manager there maybe a few changes from the previous one. P.C Bung: - You mean we may actually win. Mr. Kipling: - Er. . . Yes apart from that I will employing a slightly different tactical outlook. Fred Bates: -In what way? Mr. Kipling: - Well first of all I don't think we should put 7 men up front. Another thing wouldn't it be an idea to actually have a goalkeeper. Arthur O'Ldgit: - Oooh I don't agree with these fancy foreign ways it's evil I tell you evilllllllllllllllllllllllllllll.!! Mr. Kipling: -Aha, Arthur I also think that maybe you should make way for some new players. Arthur: -How dare you the old manager always used me. Your agist you are! Mr. Kipling: - Well apart from your age there is one other minor factor. Arthur: -What's that then? Mr. Kipling: - You have no bloody legs! Therefore Jimmy Jam will take your place. Jimmy: - Hello. Mr. Kipling: - Now I have made up a quick timesheet we will be using a 5-3-2 system. | ||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| Farmer Offal: -Why do I have to be number 3? Mr. Kipling: -Because I said so. Grim Reaper: -Just shut up Offal. Farmer Offal: -It's all right for you, you have a cool number-9. Why can't I be No16? Mr. Kipling: -I already have a No16 in the U-21 squad. P.C Bung: -Yeah and I don't like the sound of No2, sounds too much like poo. Farmer Offal: -Hey! Why can't we pick our own numbers? Mr. Kipling: -Because I've had teams before fighting over their numbers, you have 4 guys fighting over who's going to be number 7. Farmer Offal: -But why do I have to be No3? Mr. Kipling: -Because you're a pounce okay! What are you laughing about Kenny? Kenny: - Mfflum mmm fflukm mfdum lum! Mr. Kipling: -You dirty little git Kenny! I will not tolerate language like that! Do 20 laps! Kenny: -Flmmmn gmnu! Mr. Kipling: - Same to you! Anyway lets get some training in. SCENE 2: Football Fields Fred Bates: -What do you think of the new manager then? Jimmy: -He's okay. What happened to the old one? Fred Bates: -Oh, he went to manage some team called Leeds I think. Mr. Kipling: - All right everyone lets have a 7-a-side game. Mrs. Bung can be referee. (ALL BEGIN TO PLAY FOOTBALL) Jimmy: -Man-on Kenny! (KENNY IS CUT IN HALF BY GRIM REAPER) Fred Bates: -Foul! Grim Reaper: -I never touched him ref! Mrs. Bung: -I have told you before Reaper hit the showers. Grim Reaper: -Shut up you tart! Mrs. Bung: - It's all very well for you, if I get floored I'm just ignored! Galloway: -At least you don't get abuse from a 8ft moose! Jimmy: -Don't you mean goose? Galloway: -No I was talking about my own problems. Mr. Kipling: -Okay free-kick come on lets get our defense together. Hey Galloway will you stop talking to the wall and get in it! Mrs. Bung: - Here who's this on the pitch. King Jordan: -It's my butler Chives, he's going to kick the ball for me, you don't expect me to get muddy do you? These clothes are top quality C&A you know Orville: -Oooh he is rich, I hear he has a colour telly as well! (ALL LAUGH) King Jordan: -Are you asking for a fight you snot colored duck! Orville: -Come on then! (CHARGES AT JORDAN) King Jordan: - Headbutt him Chives! Chives: -Very good sir. (CHIVES HEADBUTTS ORVILLE, BIG FIGHT ERUPTS BETWEEN ALL PLAYERS) Rev. S Atan: -I'll have you all you f*^k *#g b%s&^d$!! Fred Bates: -Have we got a chance of winning then? Mr. Kipling: - about as much of Leeds winning a cup. Fred Bates: -Were buggered then! So will the team sort out their differences? Will they win the match? Will Galloway's moose troubles be solved? Will man ever travel at the speed of light? All these and more will be answered in the next episode or probably by the General who will no doubt mock this episode by writing a very unfunny climax involving characters of B5 instead of actually painstakingly inventing new and original characters and staying up all night thinking up funny names for them and character traits, instead of nicking other peoples ideas. You can write to me at: Cloud 8 In the sky Earth  AND TO RESPOND TO BUSINESSMAN REPORT: Once more The Businessman’s Sitcom (silent H) Whale Street has arrived, it appears yet again I must finish it. I would like to say to the Businessman that I would like a share of what ever he is getting paid for writing it (around a packet of crisps per episode I think). Scene 3: - The big pub game between "Psycho and his Mum" and "The Pervert and the Donkey." Commentator: - And so the great stadium of Wibley is filled to its capacity of 6 people for this epic game, the crowd is in frenzy! Crowd: - For goodness sake where’s the hotdog seller? Commentator: - Wait a minute, someone is calling me. (Muffled gunshots) Sheridan: - Well I’m afraid the commentator was accidentally shot by shaking his can of weak lemon drink so Ill have to take over. We also have a new referee, S. Ivanova, after the previous referee accidentally brutally hacked his own arms and leg off while buttoning his shirt. Ivanova: - All right players, Psychos kick off, perv`s defend. (Blows whistle) (Grim Reaper runs forward and steps on a land mine) Kipling: - What was that? Ivanova: - Ill speak to the replacement Groundsman, M. Garibaldi, after the original groundsman accidentally brutally cut his own head off while combing his hair, PLAY ON! (Galloway runs forward, dodging craters and body parts but is followed by Pervy Captain and breaks his legs) Ivanova: - Perv, You’re off (Pulls out gun and kills him) DOC! Over here. (Doc Franklin runs to Galloway) Franklin: - Shall I end your pain? Galloway: - Yes (Franklin shoots him) Kipling: - You can’t do that! Ivanova: - Don’t Argue, (Shoots Kipling) alright half time. Bates: - There’s only been 3 minutes of play! Ivanova: - Look we’ve been here for 2 hours already. (Shoots Bates) Sheridan: - Well psychos are 3 men down and one thing looks like the subs are moving. (Subs Box Explodes) Sheridan: - And they’ve successfully covered the pitch, I’m sure the half time strategy will be interesting now. F. Offal: - Can I have Galloway’s lunch? O. Duck: - The fleet of lorries is out side, help yourselves because it will be going to Africa to fed all famine victims for the next 5 years. Ivanova: - No one leaves (shoots offal) (After half time players return) Ivanova: - Pervs have too many men (Shoots 4 of them) Right, PLAY! (Score is 1-1 with 30 seconds left) Sheridan: - There’s still time for one last burst of energy, particularly explosive energy like the bomb in Orville ducks... (Explosion) Oh, never mind. (Goes to Penalty Shoot out) Sheridan: - So psychos sub goalie, Blind Bob steps up, walls into the past, and falls over. What a disappointment to have their goalie die. Crowd: - He’s not dead! Sheridan: - Alright, to have their goalie fatally injured... Blind Bob: - Actually I feel fine. Sheridan: - To have their goalie, who almost recovered before suddenly dying (shoots Bob) must be a shock. Ivanova: - Alright psychos take your penalty. (Kenny steps forward, kicks ball and blows up penalty area) Ivanova: - CAPTAIN SHERIDAN I SAID NO BOMBS! I do prefer the personal touch (turns and strangles Bun) OK! Sheridan: - Okay, but isn’t the match over? Ivanova: - Oh yeah, alright, its a draw, now all still alive sod off! b What a game, and to those who say Football is too violent, you ain’t seen nothing yet. Next week Manchester United v Wolves, real wolves who haven’t been fed for about a week. Well, perhaps the businessman will realise the futility of engaging my cunning wit and conced defeat, but I’m sure chair killer will be back next month, so I shall also return. generalegood@usa.net FastCounter by LinkExchange |
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