The Sick Businessman With the start of the new financial year I am already developing new business ideas and working on new ones. Here is an update... Whale Aircraft Carriers Finally this week I got an order for a few. You see I told you important countries and world leaders would want such a fantastic idea. Yes, Saddam Hussein wants 100 whale aircraft carriers. Now can a great man like that be wrong? Whale Street A very big important T.V Channel has bought the rights to show Whale Street, it will join their other big quality family shows. Yes it is now on Channel 5, after some gardening program called "Look at those big melons!" I think, at 2am. Also merchandise for the show is selling like hotcakes (in the sense that the hotcakes that are covered in mould and know to be genetically modified). I also have news that a top soap star leaving Eastenders for a top job on Whale Street, yes Well 'ard the dog is joining on a big contract of 250,00 dog biscuits a year. Businessman Film & Television Productions Along with my recent films such as Co the Buses I am releasing a few more such as... 1) Die Hard 34 - Terrorist take over the Viagra factory. 2) Godcilla - Enormous scouse red-head goes on the rampage. Lorra, Lorra, Lorra action. 3) Air Force Hun - German chancellor's plane gets hijacked. Instead of saving the day, wets his pants and gives terrorisyts what they want even though to be executed. T.V ideas I have include the General Show. A 24-hour broadcast using secret cameras to watch his life in action. See how he plays with his toy soldiers, employs thousands of top writers to try and match my reports, how his mum tucks him in to his Teletubbie duvet at night. Balloon Trip Being a lunatic entrepreneur like Richard Branson I too was going to try and circumnavigate the globe in a balloon. Now as the record has been broken by the intrepid Bretling-Orbiter team I am going to perform a much more dangerous and exciting Record. I am going to go around Vanessa Feltz in a balloon this I'm sure you'll agree it is a mammoth task. It should take us something like 81 days. The wind though coming from her backside should propel us though quite fast. We also have to get past her fat gob avoiding all the crap that comes out of it, and also try not to be eaten. Medical Institute Seeing how in the film "Patch Addams that laughter is the best medicine I am going to send specially trained Doctors to stick custard pies inpatients faces and play practical jokes on them like saying they've got 2 days to live, or thiers leg has to be amputated.
Thats all for this eddition please write to me about my ideas to the; Sick-Orbiter Ballon Somewhere about Vannessa's Head or email business_man@usa.net
AND TO RESPOND TO MAY 1999's
BUSINESSMAN REPORT: As we are approaching the first anniversary of P. T Goblin kindly publishing these reports (the most popular area of his site) I threw a party for the Characters who made it all possible, here is my secret recordings: General: - Ah, Hello Captain Sheridan Sheridan: - Hello, here the wife. General: - Very nice, and what have you prepared to celebrate? Sheridan: - The most spectacular firework display ever and a surprise outside for later. General: - Where the display? Sheridan: - Cape Canaveral, not for any reason, but you can see it from here. General: - Well enjoy yourself, Oh hello Ivanova, and what did you bring? Ivanova: - Human Sacrifice (Galloway and South park characters follow in chains) General: - err... Okay, go right in. Hey hello Garibaldi. Garibaldi: - Hi, I brought my two favourite things in the world. (Garibaldi holds out a small Daffy Duck dull) Garibaldi: - I programmed him to talk to me. Duck: - You're despicable! Garibaldi: - What? Cheap Taiwanese rubbish. General: - And the other thing? Garibaldi: - My boat. General: - Boat? We're 50-mile inland. Garibaldi: - I know but my boats Jet Powered, goes anywhere. It’s done 250,00 miles, a quarter of them on water. It’s a bit difficult to stop but lucky that old Skoda parked outside stopped it. Businessman: - My Car! Businessman: - Err it doesn't matter I will get my mu... Driver to fetch my BMW from home. (The party went fairly well, except for the ritual killing of South Park people by Ivanova, until the End. Sheridan: - Anyway my grand finale, watch the fireballs. Ivanova: - I told you what I would do if you got drunk and started nuking things! Sheridan: - Don’t worry, Its pre organised and they are conventional stuff. General: - Are they legal and Licensed? Sheridan: - Kind of ... by N.A.S.A Ivanova: - Ah Hell Sheridan: - I'll below up their huge unmanned rocket. (Massive explosion in distance) Sheridan: - That felt good, but come outside... (In garden a Glowing Green Sphere) Businessman: - What the hell is that? Sheridan: - Energy mines the biggest non-nuclear bomb around. Businessman: - Why is it glowing? Sheridan: - Adds to the effect... and it’s broken, if you touch it you'll be sorry! (Ivanova laughs evilly, leaves and comes back leaving a trail of biscuits to the mine.) Ivanova: - Watch This (Galloway follows trail of biscuits, touches energy mine and is launched to height of 30,000 feet) Sheridan: - Launch energy mine! (Mine reaches 30,00 feet and explodes spectacularly) After that every one went home, however Garibaldi and his boat are still missing, last seen heading for china with the Businessman plastered to the front screaming. Ironically the Daffy Duck dolls parting words were "That’s a baaad idea". Ivanova ended up drunk and managed to hospitalised 52 riot police single handed (The handed happened to contain a machine gun, but that does not count.) Anyway the party was a success, well apart from the half dozen Fatalities, but why let that spoil it for everyone NB - The Galloway I reefer to is NOT Sean Galloway, as he did not mange to get to the party as he ran into the businessman and was launched into outer space. P.S. The Toy Soldiers happened to actually represent the Generals Troops, the Writers were actually my War council, and it was no my mum! If you would like to write to my just email me at
generalegood@usa.net
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