The Sick BusinessmanThis weak I have been dabbling in the world of genetics, and in an effort to help mankind and make me rich. One thing I have been doing is speeding up the evolution in animals. Take the hedgehog for example always being run over by cars. As time passes it will adapt to avoid such danger. I have helped this by genetically producing hedgehogs with wings, but after releasing these I found that these flying pincushions were a danger to people as of falling spines. So I developed hedgehogs with wings and feathers so much softer to touch. Then I encountered the problem that they couldn’t scoop their food as easily so I developed long toothless mouthed, feathered, flying hedgehogs. Then I discovered they couldn’t land to well so developed two legged, long toothless mouthed, feathered flying hedgehogs. Then they couldn’t grab their prey so easily so made sharp clawed, two legged, long toothless mouthed, feathered, flying hedgehogs. This made them almost perfect but not so helpful to society so I developed small amoebae sized brains for them so they could get jobs presenting shows on Channel 5. Another thing I’ve been involved in is GM food; I have produced enormous mutant cakes mostly. I have also being testing a special mixture I made known as serum #47. It made my next door neighbours melons grow at a tremendous rate. Of course we have had problems with protesters burning down the crops. Last week though they burned down the wrong field how they could miss the tentacle wielding corn chorus line I don’t know. I have implemented defences to these nutters, if I catch them I will castrate. . . . Oops. . . I mean castigate (punish) them severely, with a fierce beating by my GM banana, which strangely more looks like a B5 character in fancy dress. In my efforts to rule the world I have decided to double my efforts by producing an evil clone of my self!! HA HA HA HA HA CACKLE, CACKLE. Enter my clone TSB2: TSB2: Hello. TSB1: Good evening, what havoc we will create tonight? How about we develop a beef flavoured carrot for sale, on the bone. TSB2: No I don’t think that is a good business move considering it’s insane. We would be better off using these genetic facilities to develop cures to simple ailments such as baldness and selling to the public, which will create millions, and we will also be able to improve the equipment in the lab. TSB1: Yes but the cure makes them grow orange hair! TSB2: No. . . Anyway we can use the money to make cures for more serious diseases and sell them. TSB1: Yeah and then we burn up the cures and laugh! TSB2: No we then float the company on the stock market, and dabble ourselves by buying shares in. . . TSB1: Stevenage F.C and wig companies! TSB2: That’s stupid considering Stevenage are rubbish and not even in the stock market and as of that time we would have put the wig companies out of business! We buy shares in Microsoft (as they are pure evil er profitable company like ours) and buy in dollars as the Dow Jones should rise for our benefit. TSB1: Oh what have I created! You are pure evil, completely mad! Here how do you like this holy water eh? Do you burn my friend, do you feel weak oh so weak! TSB2: That’s tap water. TSB1: Dam you! Have you know true sick ideas? How about we go out tonight and throw lakes into shopping trolleys. TSB2: That’s impossible! TSB1: Well you go then. TSB2: Well I did have a double date planned with top models Jordan and Jo Guest for us but if you have your principles and . . . TSB1: What principles? Let’s go! TSB2: Oh just wait I have to set the tape for B5. TSB1: Oh no your evil evilllllllllllll!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! But I like you!
Write to the bad TSB2 or me at: Maxwell House, Quality Street, Yorkshire TEA 1Q5 Or e-mail business_man@usa.net
AND TO RESPOND TO
BUSINESSMAN
REPORT: In response to the Sick Businessman (or Moon Face as he is know to Druids) genetic modifications I shall genetically create my own staff. After the only person with knowledge of such things, Doc Franklin collapsed in laughter I asked my old friend Capt. Sheridan and Mr Garibaldi to take over. I asked them to develop a vicious killing machine. Garibaldi selloptaped a knife to a Gerbil and Sheridan developed a Nuke whose timer was a hamster in a wheel. This is not exactly what I was after. Next Garibaldi developed a "wig with teeth" as he called it or Scottish Terrier as it is know to everyone else. I give up at this point and bribed Doc Franklin who created 11 fierce warriors using organic technology, which changes simple machines into living things. I needed somewhere public to test them, then I saw the Manchester United versus Bayern Munich games advertised on Tele. Perfect. The night of the game I redirected the German team to a small Island in the Galapagos chain. I then put German shirts on my living machines to face Manchester United, who had lost to Stevenage, Kettering and Barnsley and needed to win else Leeds would remain Top of The Table TWO POINTS ADRIFT OF MANCHESTER UNITED. I cannot imagine what the Manchester team thought as they faced a line of Vacuum Cleaners, Toasters and washing machines desperate for a victory. The Game was a massacre, not least due to the sniper (thanks Ivanova) leaving Stevenage Supreme. Unfortunately my army of domestic appliances escaped and they now live free in the open country, but Sicko (NOT SISKO) and his clone are both quarantined. My Chief Scientist was about to create more stuff but he was recaptured, although he avoided the dogs and helicopters for half an hour. Never Mind An *Advertisement:
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