October No 2 1999

Due to a rather large yet unusual explosion at the End of Whale Street, the entire street of Whale Street fell through a tear in the fabric of space and time. So here we go again with part two of Whalestonbury.

Last time in Whale Street we were left in anticipation over Galloway’s plans to hold a rock festival in Whale Street now we will see if his plans come to fruition, in this episode which I’m sure will win numerous awards. I’m sure to get a nomination for best insane soap on after 2a.m.

Farmer Offal; I’m not so sure about this rock band thing.

Galloway; Oh it’ll be great, trust me Mr Offal, have I ever let you down before?

Farmer Offal; Well there was that time when you stole all my money, my wife, turned my children against me, left me for dead, spat on my blue suede shoes and ate my last Rolo.

Galloway; HA HA HA, oh you know I was only joking, anyway it’s all in the past now, and this festival will make you a really rich man, and if we can make it annual I’ll . . . .er I mean we’ll be laughing all the way to the bank.

Farmer Offal; Okay then, I suppose you can use my land.

Galloway; Great I already took the liberty, of putting up all the stages, fences, food and souvenir stalls, toilets etc.

Farmer Offal; What if I had said no!

Galloway; Well that’s where I would use plan B, where I threaten to put parts of your body in the blades of this combine harvester, until you agreed to my offer.

Galloway; So Ian, any ideas for bands we could get.

Ian Uendo; Gay Dad?

Galloway;(PUNCHES IAN) I’ll have you know my father is straight as . . . something really straight.

Ian; No I meant the band. Anyway what about the Manic Street Preachers?

Galloway; I’m not having a load of bloomin’ evangelists on the stage.

Ian; They’re a band.

Galloway; Oh right, book’em Danno!

Ian; My names not Dan.! Anyway how about Guns ‘n’ Roses for the festival.

Galloway; Are you insane? We can’t go handing out guns and roses people will end up getting hurt !

Ian; No you see . . . .

Galloway; People being shot and pricked by thorns . . . .

Ian; Galloway . . .

Galloway; It’d be in all the papers, we’d get sued, put in prison . .. .

Ian; Galloway!

Galloway; I’d end up in a cell with some guy named Bubba, and in the showers he’d .. ...

Ian; GALLOWAY!!!!! Their a band okay a f****** band!!!

(EVERYONE IN PUB STARES AT IAN)

Ian; Okay, listen I will say the names of bands, and bands only you will answer whether you would like them to appear at the festival. So how about Brittany Spears.

Galloway; That’s not a band . . . .

Ian; Don’t knit-pick okay! Just say yes or no. Oh f******* ‘kay.

Galloway; Okay then yes I’ll have her.

Ian; Yes right then . . . . .how about Puff Daddy.

(GALLOWAY SHOOTS IAN IN THE LEG)

Galloway; I told you my father is straight!

Galloway; Look Ian I’m rich, filthy stinking rich!

(IAN HOBBLES ACROSS)

Ian; Don’t you mean we’re rich?

Galloway; Of course we are. Though I think the money should rest in my account for save keeping, and we’ll also get some book tokens!

(THE BANDS WALK IN)

Bono; We’d like our money now please.

Galloway; Why of course what did we say 50 each?

Noel Gallacher; Yeah, 50 million’s pretty cheap though for us.

Galloway; £50 MILLION!!!

(CLUTCHES CHEST AND GASPS FOR BREATH)

Galloway; I thought you meant £50!

Damon Albaln; Look mate if you don’t pay up we’ll feed Barry White curries and make him sit on you, you charmless man.

Robbie Williams; So what are you going to do?

Galloway; Well . . . erm . . . look a distraction!

(GALLOWAY LEGS IT INTO A MINI AND CAR CHASE ENSUES)

Galloway; To the airport!

Galloway; See Ian, I told you we’d make it.

Ian; Yes but only just, when Bob Geldof jumped on the wind screen though I’d thought we’d had it!

Galloway; Geldof wasn’t after us he just wanted to clean the windscreen.

Ian; Oh, another thing Galloway do you think we should go to Australia after that whole nuclear testing thing we did.

Galloway; Oh they’ll have forgotten all about that.

Ian; Also don’t you think it’s daft considering all the money is in a Swiss bank account?

Galloway; Stop worrying, relax.

Ian; It’s just that flying makes me nervous.

Galloway; What there’s nothing to worry about.

Man; There’s someone on the wing!

F.B.I bloke; Excuse me sir can we sit this dangerous terrorist next to you.

Pilot; We are not entering the Bermuda Triangle.

Lady; Look a U.F.O!

Stewardess; The in-flight movie is Police Academy 9

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