Whale Street : - Episode One (The Phantom Denis)Fred Bates: - Why are you all covered in mud? Jimmy: - Why are you wearing your mother’s clothes? Fred Bates: - Er well it's a funny story I was super gluing the wings to my model plane when I slipped up and landed perfectly in this dress and glued to it. Mr. Kipling: - Your very clumsy aren’t you? I remember the time you accidentally stabbed that girl to death in your shower. Fred Bates: - Look I came up to offer her a piece of cake and slipped on the soap and unfortunately rammed the knife in her body. Mr. Kipling: - 25 times? Fred Bates: - Well the floor was very slippy. Mr. Kipling: - Yeah, yeah. Fred Bates: - It was a big piece of soap. Galloway : - Whatever. Fred Bates: - I didn't have my glasses on. King Jordan of Batley: - Talk to the hand 'cos the face don't understand! Fred Bates: - Look I wouldn't hurt a fly, see that fly I won't kill it. (ALL IGNORE HIM) Fred Bates: - It was Dove soap. Mr. Kipling: - Oh well you never mentioned that before, obviously it was an accident . . . .but how do you explain the time you got stuck in that blow-up doll? Fred Bates: - Right you Kipling your barred! Mr. Kipling: - What for I haven't done anything! Fred Bates: - (Hits Reverend S Atan) You just punched the parson! Mr. Kipling: - You did that! Fred Bates: - Out Kipling! Mr. Kipling: - This is unfair! You never barred that B5 lot when they blew up the place. Fred Bates: - That was your fault they were aiming for you and you bent down to tie your shoe laces. Now get out . . . oh, this won’t effect the price of the hooky beer I get off you will it? Mr. Kipling: - No, there will just be more piss in it. (EVERYONE SPITS OUT BEER) Jimmy: - That's why he always has orange juice. Galloway: - Well the jokes on him I supply the juice around here. (IAN UENDO SNIGGERS) Galloway: - Oh grow up Ian . . . anyway I add to the juice . . . erm never mind . . . Jimmy why are you muddy? Jimmy: - I've been to Glastonbury. Fred Bates: - But I thought it was nice and sunny this year. Jimmy: - Yeah but we had to tunnel in to save paying the ridiculous prices for tickets £50.00! Then the food! £5 for fish and chips, £1 for soup, £7 a curry, £3 a pint, then camping rental cost £20, £10 for . . . . Galloway are you all right? It seems your pupils have dilated in to the shape of a pound sign, your mouth is watering and you are putting scratch marks in the table. Galloway: - Oh no reason, I'm just excited about tonight's episode of Bergerac. Ian: - I know it's a good episode tonight but why are you so mad. Galloway: - Shut up you fool I just said that so they wouldn't suspect anything, as after hearing Jimmy I think we should hold a concert here "Whalestonbury" I’ll make a mint overpricing food and tickets we even use some of Kipling's "special brew". Yes they'll all see HA HA HA HA HA (LAUGH EVILY) (EVERYONE STARES AT HIM) Fred Bates: - He really likes Bergerac doesn't he? Galloway: - Quickly I need to speak to Farmer Offal. (PULLS LARGE CLOAK OVER FARMER OFFAL AND LAUGHS EVEN MORE EVILY THAN BEFORE, AS EVIL AS SAY SOMEONE WHO EATS BABIES AND BEATS UP OLD LADIES-SAY GENERAL E. GOOD FOR EXAMPLE) So will Galloway hold his festival? Will Jimmy get cleaned up? Will Mr. Kipling stop taking the piss out of Fred Bates? And will he take the piss out off Fred's beer? Anyway find out in the next edition.
AND TO RESPOND TO OCTOBER 1999
BUSINESSMAN REPORT: Major Des Arstor and Jin Bomb Jori, demolition experts.
Scene One - Galloway's Garden.Galloway: - Look Ian, what do you see?Ian: - A very small garden full of dog droppings, burning wheely bins and death threats. Galloway: - Apart from that? Ian: - Oh there, a dead squirrel. Galloway: - No fool, I see whalestonbury full of music full of money full of people (and hopefully not english teachers after the lack of punctuation in that sentence - PTG) Ian: - Full of Sh$%& Galloway: - What! Ian: - Full of ... Sh ... ingers, I mean singers, I have a cold. Galloway: - My Plan will be perfect. Scene 2: Babylon 5 mess hall (You'll understand why its called a Mess hall when you see the food fights take place)
(Suddenly Galloway appears on all TV Screens slowly fooled by all TV screens getting broken) Garibaldi: - Hey its the muppet show.
Scene 3: "Whalestonbury"
(Loud Explosion, enter B5 Command Staff) Galloway: - Not Again!
(The enters Weird Morbid Psycho gut, Clarky listening to Radiohead) Clarky: - I hate B5 but whose is this bomb? (Picks up Sheridan remote detonator bomb, little angles and devils appear on Sheridans shoulder) Devil: - NUKE NUKE NUKE NUKE NUKE NUKE. Angel: - Nuke him if you must, but just blow the bomb he is holding
- but br gentle with that button now!
(Sheridans bomb obliterates Clarky). (Suddenly Orville appears, Garibaldi Arch Enemy.) Garibaldi: - You! Prepare to die! (Draws patented Daffy Duck Light Saber, as does Orville, Fight ensues.) Ian: - Draws another light saber.
(Gerenpeace - No Nukes! No Nukes!) (Sheridan Turns and Draws double bladed Light Saber and starts to fight Greenpeace guy and Businessman to spectacular Music. The Businessman runs and ides in the toilet being a total coward, until Genetically created dinosaurs break down wall and eats him. Greenpeace man slips in Galloway's toxic lunch ending that fight) Ivanova: - How did I know you'd be drawn here. Sheridan: - I know exactly what I'm doing. Ivanova: - Ah hell, I'll get the shuttle we'll need to leave early. (Sheridan takes two wires, connected to power plant) Galloway: - What are you going to do? (Outside, Ivanova sees electric bolts from all windows. Sheridan walks out, slightly Frazzled and smoking. Ivanova: - Well?
(Galloway Stagers out Glowing Green) Sheridan: - Of course, I never do anything wrong. (Part of Sheridans ship falls from Orbit) Sheridan: - Apart from Checking difference between clock &
detonator.
(Suddenly Galloway burps) Ivanova: - Use kipling and Bates as Human Shields. (Kipping and Bates melt, but B5 people escape.) Garibaldi: - What did i miss?
(B5 Staff leave as Galloway explodes, destroying whale street.) (B5, one week later) Sheridan: - Did you see him - BOOM!
(Eight week later) Sheridan: - BOOOOOOOOM BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOM!
(All Laugh except Garibaldi who leaves room quickly) Sheridan: - Wit a minute ..... The End. So sick, who needs new Characters with such qualities by the way, how's
your coffee, a laxative one?
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