A while back I said the General (or Le triest petit twat as the French call him) couldn’t think of any new characters for his shows-correction mock endings of my brilliant shows. He proved again he has no imagination by his new characters included John Wayne and some guy off another rubbish Sci-Fi show. I also have heard of people copying my ideas writing as their own, in their reports. I also have just recently seen an episode of "I Am Weasel" where the aforementioned General-like vermin is a commander of a Whale-battleship!!! What an amazing similarity to my idea!! Oooh it makes me ANGRY!! In fact I think I’ll rip up this wet tissue paper, "Aaaaagh, eeeggh, arrrggh. . . . give me a second . . .. . .nnnmmmmvnk! Oh, I’ll do it later." Anyway I am going to start suing people if they don’t stop, with my lawyers; Sven Vil Ulose and Monet Grabber. Anyway recently I went on holiday and had a strange encounter with the Man with the Golden Gun (Barbara). He scared the living daylights out of me. He said he had a license to kill me, given to him by some disfigured bald boy stroking a weasel calling himself Gertrude. He shot me and I was seemingly dead, but came back to life. The assassin exclaimed "You only live twice" and prepared to shoot me again. An ambulance then came to shock me back to life. I cried "Dr, no!" I then jumped up and pulled out my pocket rocket launcher. The contract-killer screamed "Live and let live?" "No Live and let die!", I said and let rip he was flown across the street, he was half-dead. He was taken to the hospital where he was operated on and body parts were replaced he had a new goldfinger, goldeneye and a thunderball. They were sent to him in a parcel along with a card saying "From Russia with love to The spy who loved me, from Gertrude". He also was supplied with some ointment from the doctor- "For your eyes only", he said to Barbara. I went to Russia On her Majesty’s secret service to track the evil Gertrude, I found his evil lair (a hut behind Netto’s) it certainly was a view to a kill and I promptly pulled out my big flame thrower. Then eight of Gertrude’s cats attacked me. His octopussy squad were no match, and I blew them to the moon with my secret whale aircraft carrier hidden in my watch, the astronauts up their would need a lot of moonshovels, moon buggies and a moonraker to clean up that mess. Then Gertrude revealed himself, he was in fact General Edith Good. "Curse you," he shouted "for killing Babs, and for your James Bond obsessed mind." "I haven’t mentioned James Bond, you did!", I replied. "I never!" "You did!" "I never, never, never did" "Never say never again", I boomed. But, with that the General knocked me out, with lets say a . . . dead parrot. I awoke to find myself tied on a table. The General cackled "As you can see Mr. Sicko, you are tied to a table with a laser beam above you, spikes under you, a saw at the end, a pot of boiling oil on your left, a man-eating tiger on your right and a tape recorder ready to play a song by "Billie". Then my henchman, Tom Morrow will beat you up with . . . . streaky bacon. "Smoked?" "Yes!" "Oh the humanity!" "Before you die I might as well tell you my plan in complete detail, and point out the self-destruct button which is the big red one over there. You see Mr. Sicko the world is not enough for me I want to control the universe, Z’hadum, Vulcan, Riza 4 and other made-up places, but how to do this well it is quite obvious I will use a mighty death ray powered by cucumbers. The Universe will tremble before it and they will have to appoint me as leader unless all will die. Reveal the laser Tom Morrow-You know Sicko Tom Morrow never dies!" (LASER IS REVEALED:- A WASHING UP LIQUID BOTTLE WRAPPED IN FOIL WITH A CUCUMBER STUCK IN ONE END) "It’s crap" "Oh really, well lets see how you like it. BANG, SWOOSH!!" "It’s not real!" "Yes it is can’t you hear the laser sounds?" "No that’s you" "Shut up, anyway I will leave you now with the table of doom" "Do you expect me to talk?" "No I. . . .er. . .don’t" Then as his back turned I cut the ropes with my handy pocket sized JCB and leapt up smashing the General to the ground then I got out my handy pocket sized lance and. . . . then I woke up with a hangover with two supermodels beside me covered in curry, smelling of the Generals feet . . . . Then I got off the bus aaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!!!!!! 28 years I was And that was just the teachers aaahhh Anyway I have to go now I have to get some diamonds for ever a time I may need them. You know the General’s like Hitler on Lemsip
AND TO RESPOND TO
BUSINESSMAN REPORT: Welcome, My Name is Mr Morden, you may remember me from such films as
"In the shadows of Z`ha'dum" and "How to further your career using manipulation
and evil" but today I am reviewing my favourite holiday destination ...
Some say Z`ha'dum is a barren world on the edge of known space, home to evil shadows who are bent on dominating the universe and a place of pure evil without much in the terms of holiday attractions, but this is totally wrong, there are plenty of holiday attractions. One major attraction is "the drop of death" a two mile deep chasm we push people down, oh how we laugh! Many people who come decide never to leave, the fact they are chained to walls is purely coincidence. Another great attraction is the "torture and grotesque death family fun park" which speaks for itself. Many people who do come here decide to die here which our staff are enthusiastic to arrange and openly encourage. Admittedly the shadows who live here are responsible for billions of deaths which does not detract from the fun packed environment here but can the same not be said for Butlins? all right that was probably a bad example but everything has small problems. We guarantee the last thought you ever think will be about Z'ha'dum, even if we have to end you're life as soon as you arrive. Visit our restaurant where you will be able to choose from a wide range of sludge, or just go to McDonalds. You will stay in the guest cell, I mean suite with good solid beds, all right I mean steel beds. Z'ha'dum is fast becoming a Major attraction, particularly for Planet killing weapons.... But as Ambassador Delenn said no-one who goes to Z'ha'dum returns the same, which is true, if indeed you return. Our kind and courteous staff will see to your every need, ... for as long as you have them. However we must insist you do not bring your own entertainment we had to ban Captain Sheridan (he is also banned from Butlins as well for making the roads have more larger creators than the moon, but more about Butlins latter). So come to Z'ha'dum, you will die with a smile on your face, but you will die. Our resort got 5 stars in a Leading tourist magazine (Butlins only got
2)
We are also recommended highly in the "Mr Mordern evil Gazette" particularly for our swimming pools. You'll just ever leave, even if you want to! You'll just stay for the rest of your life, both hours of it (Economy
Class Version).
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