EPIC IV - THE SWIMIMING POOL OF DEATH

Yes its time for another epic (no I don't get bored with them)

SCENE 1   WHALE STREET

PIRATE - Alright Galloway and Kipling, I'll fly you and your friends to B5 ; hey watch out for the swimming pool!

(followed by splash)

PIRATE  - And you!

(followed by bigger splash)

KIPLING-we must fetch the others using Herr Losses time machine
GALLOWAY - Then to B5   HA HA HA.........How do I get out of this pool

(splash)

SCENE 2    SHERIDANS OFFICE

IVANOVA-What the hell is that swimming pool doing outside your office!
SHERIDAN-It's well sign posted no-one will fall in

(splash)

IVANOVA-Hi Garibaldi
GARIBALDI-How did you know it was me?
IVANOVA-Wild guess
SHERIDAN-So Garibaldi, whats wrong
GARIBALDI-We have an unidentified ship coming in
SHERIDAN-Does that mean nobody will complain if I nuke it?
GARIBALDI-We should see whats on it first
SHERIDAN-Okay, let it dock, I already nuked a dozen this morning
IVANOVA-What!
SHERIDAN-Garibaldi just volunteered to tell the crews
GARIBALDI-Did I?
SHERIDAN-Yes now go on, and watch out for....(SPLASH).....never mind.

SCENE 3  B5 COMMAND CENTRE

SHERIDAN-What was that last ship?
IVANOVA-The last of your stuff for the 'war zone' in hydroponics....I wondered why it was the only ship you didn't nuke
SHERIDAN-You know how much tanks cost
IVANOVA-Tanks?
SHERIDAN-Well its to late to stop me now

(SPLASH)

IVANOVA-Was it a good idea to have a pool here?
SHERIDAN-All my ideas are good
IVANOVA-What about Foamarama night?
GARIBALDI-Does anyone have a towel?
IVANOVA-We didn't think anyone would be dumb enough to fall in
GARIBALDI-Oh right......wait a minute...
IVANOVA-The mystery ship has docked
SHERIDAN-Get down there Garibaldi

(SPLASH)

GARIBALDI-I'm okay...(SPLASH).....help

SCENE 4  DOCKING BAY

KIPLING-NOW WILL I HAVE MY REVENGE , COME MY ARMY OF THE GREATEST TYRANTS IN HISTORY,HITLER AND THE S.S, STALIN AND THE K.G.B, GENGHIS KHAN AND THEM WHO CREATED SOUTH PARK......FOLLOW ME!!!!!!

(MULTIPLE SPLASHES)

GALLOWAY-Not another one, the street, the airport,the Reichstag in 1945, what is wrong.

AT CUSTOMS..

ZACK ALLEN-So remember to report any wierd stuff.
SECURITY GUY-okay
LONDO-And am I in that category Mr Allen?
ALLEN-Of course you are
LONDO-You have a strange place here you know,I have seen 12 pools already you know!

(LONDO LEAVES...FOLLOWED BY SPLASH AND SHOUTS OF ''MOST INAPPROPRIATE'')

ALLEN-Like I said you never know who will walk through that.....

(ENTER BESTER)

BESTER-Just a guess but the word you are looking for is door, now I assume my regular room in the prison is available I have grown so attached to it
ALLEN-Of course

(BESTER LEAVES FOLLOWED BY SPLASH)

ALLEN-Next please

(ENTER KIPLING NAZIS SOVIETS HUNS AND TWO ARSEHOLES)

KIPLING-WE ARE HERE TO DESTROY YOU!!!!
ALLEN-Whatever, you here for long?
KIPLING-JUST TO DESTROY YOU HA HA HA!!!!!!
ALLEN-Is your stay business or pleasure
KIPLING-EVIL
ALLEN-That was not one of the options
HITLER-Business
STALIN-No pleasure
KIPLING-EVIL EVIL EVILLLLL
ALLEN-This isn't working just give your passport
KIPLING-OH OKAY
ALLEN-Whats that smell?
KIPLING-THATS GALLOWAY
ALLEN Oh,do you have a license for it?
KIPLING-WHAT?
ALLEN-No farm animals otherwise
KIPLING-RUN EVERYONE  RUN!!!!!!

(MULTIPLE SPLASHES)

SCENE 5  COUNCIL ROOM

SHERIDAN-So you agree?
REST OF AMBASSADORS- NO!!!
SHERIDAN-It's a small sacrifice
COUNCIL-YOU MEAN MAKE OUR SHIPS GIVE ALL VALUABLE STUFF TO YOU THEN LET YOU NUKE IT?
SHERIDAN-I don't see a problem.

(ENTER LONDO)

LONDO-I want to complain about the swimming...(SPLASH)
SHERIDAN-Yes Londo, there were little swimming facilities so we upgraded them, the council agreed just like they did to my latest proposal
COUNCIL-WHAT!!!!
SHERIDAN-Well I'll be leaving now......
KIPLING-WAIT A MINUTE..I HAVE TO...(SPLASH)...DAMN
SHERIDAN-YOU!!
KIPLING-MY ARMY IS TAKING THIS STATION.........

(IN MEDICAL LAB)

DOC FRANKLIN-For some reason cases of pneumonia have increased from zero to a thousand.

(ENTER NAZI)

NAZI-STOP , DOCTOR JONESSSS!!!!!
FRANKLIN-Who?

(COMMAND CENTRE)

SOUTH PARK GITS-I'M IN CHARGE!!!
...(IVANOVA SLOWLY TURNS AROUND)

(IN SECURITY OFFICE)

GARIBALDI-Have you been drinking Zack?
ALLEN-They really are ancient tyrants and some smelly thing..
GARIBALDI-I know its hard to tell, remember when the Muppets came on board?
ALLEN-Chief,those weren't the Muppets
GARIBALDI-But their passports said......
ALLEN-They lied
GARIBALDI-The Muppets don't lie

(ENTER GENGHIS KHAN)

GARIBALDI-WHAT THE.........

SCENE 6 HYDROPONICS

SHERIDAN-Delenn,do you have it?
DELENN-Yes this ancient Minbari device will bring forth your greatest heroes to defeat the current threat, like Hercules or Richard the Lionheart or........

(Switches it on)

DELENN-The A-Team?
SHERIDAN-I'm not done yet!
DELENN-Oh no of course not, not when you can summon Hercules or....... Air Wolf...
SHERIDAN-And Flash Gorden!!
DELENN-Magnum P.I?
SHERIDAN-And Hawaii 50   BOOK 'EM DANNO!!!
DELENN-Columbo?
SHERIDAN-WHAT A GREAT MACHINE!!!
DELENN-I'don't think the designers had this in mind.
SHERIDAN-Lets have the entire U.S Marine corps
DELENN-Oh hell.

SCENE 7   ARMAGEDDON

IVANOVA-Hey Doc over here
FRANKLIN-I had to knock out a Nazi!
IVANOVA-I fulfilled a lifelong ambition, tell you later.
GARIBALDI-HEY glad I found you I just met and arrested (SPLASH) DAMN!
IVANOVA-Arrested who?
GARIBALDI-Genghis Khan for illegal use of a wig
FRANKLIN-I told you about stress remember when you thought everyone was a Muppet?
IVANOVA-If you call me Miss Piggy again I;ll .......
GARIBALDI-LOOK IN HYDROPONICS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

(KIPLING, THE NAZIS AND HUNS FACE STARS OF THE '70'S AND EARLY '80'S WITH THE MARINES AND GENERAL CUSTERS 7TH CAVALRY)

KIPLING-CHAAAAAAAAARRRRRRGGGGEEEEEEEE

(SPLASH)

SHERIDAN-GET 'EM!!!

(BATTLE BEGINS....GENGHIS KHAN,WHO ESCAPED FROM GARIBALDI'S MAX SECURITY BOX,FIGHTS MR T,HOWLIN MAD MURDOCH HAS A STAREOUT WITH HITLER, GALLOWAY BOMBED BY MARINES AND HUGE PUNCH UP WITH EVERYONE ELSE)

IVANOVA-We should get down there
GARIBALDI-At LAST!!! I CAN USE MY SECURITY POD!!

(GOES TO A 4 FOOT WIDE METAL SPHERE IN A CATAPULT AND GETS IN)

GARIBALDI-When I say now pull the cord
IVANOVA-Is it safe?
GARIBALDI-Oh wait(puts on siren) now no one will get hurt
FRANKLIN-Is there a strap in there?
GARIBALDI-SEAT BELTS ARE FOR WIMPS!   FIRE!!!!!!

(IN HYDROPONICS)

SHERIDAN-AIN'T IT COOL!!!
DELENN-I was expecting a holy war between good and evil
SHERIDAN-Columbo's good, he always gets the killer
DELENN-That is not what I meant
SHERIDAN-The A-Team always fight for good, wait untill that Colonel finds Stalin!!!
DELENN-WHAT THE HELL IS THAT!

(SECURITY POD FLIES BY,GARIBALDI'S SCREAMS LOUDER THAN THE SIREN)

EVENTUALLY GOOD TRIUMPHS

SCENE 8  AFTERWARDS

SHERIDAN-Can I have that thing again?
DELENN-Not until you grow up
SHERIDAN-I wish to summon .......BATMAN!!!!!
DELENN-NO!
SHERIDAN-NANANANANANA...BATMAN!!!
DELENN-This is not convincing me
SHERIDAN-COME GOOD CITIZEN, TO THE BATMOBILE!!!
GARIBALDI-Can I summon the Muppets, I've a bone to pick with them!
IVANOVA-You know Hitler is still in a staring contest with Murdoch
FRANKLIN-What did you do with those south   park people

(SCREAMS FROM BURNING PIT)

FRANKLIN-Oh
SHERIDAN-Do you have herr losses time machine?
IVANOVA-No Captain, I know you want to foam history.

(ALL LAUGH, ESPECIALLY WHEN GARIBALDI FALLS IN POOL)

THE END
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