The Sick BusinessmanI have another episode of Whale Street for you lucky people, and it’s a very good edition. Scene 1: Outside Mexican Petes’ Pet shopMexican Pete: White pussy, ginger pussy (SHOUTING) . . . oh why doesn’t anyone come to buy a pet. Fred Bates: Hey Pete what's wrong? Mexican Pete: Oh well I’ve been out here shouting to advertise my shop, but I’ve hardly sold anything and I’ve been getting funny looks and been beaten up. Fred Bates: Well the way you are advertising I feel is sending off the wrong signals, maybe you should talk about other animals rather than your pussies. Mexican Pete: I have, I talked about my beavers but this old lady attacked me! Then when I proclaimed the news that I had a woodpecker she beat me up again. This is worse than my grocery store when I talked about my plums and melons. Fred Bates: Oh well never mind I’m off to the Kiplings now, bye. Mexican Pete: (SHOUTING) Big pussy, small pussy, large woodpeckers . . . Come on their cute and cuddly. Man: Excuse me Miss Mexican Pete: What do you mean "Miss?" Man: Sorry I have a cold. Anyway I’m here about this parrot. . . Scene 2: Mr. Kiplings shop.Fred Bates: Hey I see you now are renting videos.Mr. Kiplings: Yeah well it was a difficult decision: videos or fixing that hole in the roof. FRED LOOKS UP TO SEE THE SKY RIGHT OVERHEAD) Fred Bates: What roof? . . . Anyway I was wondering do you have any special videos". Mr. Kipling: Well I have the director’s cut of Driving Miss Daisy with the ram raiding scene . . . Fred Bates: No I mean "SPECIAL" videos, you know wink, wink, nudge, nudge, say no more. Mr. Kipling: What? Fred Bates: Anything on the top shelf ? ("wink, wink") Mr. Kipling: Well yeah you can see on that shelf I’ve got Eraser, Aliens, . . . Fred Bates: Not literally on that shelf I mean something for adults, ay, ay suits you! Mr. Kipling: I don’t understand. Fred Bates: Look have you any "naturalist videos". Mr. Kipling: Well I have David Attenbroughs’ . . . Fred Bates: No! Oh look I’ll just have Titanic and Scream 2 okay. Mr. Kipling: Good choice, I’m having a special this week: rent any video you get to rent a horror film free. Fred Bates: Oh fantastic! Can I have that axe and that shovel as well please. Mr. Kipling: Why do you want that? Fred Bates: Oh I’m burying somebody . . . er . .Somebody's dog you know that Chinese fella’ . . er . . well bye. (REVEREND ENTERS) Rev S Atan: What’s the matter with Fred? Mr. Kipling: I don’t know maybe he just needs cheering up. Maybe I should have offered him a porno. Rev S Atan : Yes well on that subject here’s those videos back. Mr. Kipling: Hey the cover of this is all . . . Rev S Atan: I SPILT SOME TEA! OKAY TEA! You see I only rented them so I’d know what to complain about to the makers.> (JIMMY ENTERS) Jimmy: Not enough girls in it Rev, then? (REV STORMS OFF) Jimmy: Alright Kip’ I’ll have these to rent please. Mr. Kipling: Okay that’ll be £4, please. Jimmy: What about the special offer? Mr. Kipling: You can’t count that as a horror movie! Jimmy: What this, it’s a vile horrific putrid account of death and torture all in the setting of an evil unforgiving wilderness containing beasts with no conscience, or a drop of mercy who wallow in their own filth and the blood of the victims, stinking of rats poo and bananas! Mr. Kipling: Bambi? Jimmy: Yes. Mr. Kipling: Bambi isn’t a horror movie, it’s for kids. Jimmy: It should be banned! I saw it as a child and I have been scarred for life. Mr. Kipling: No you haven’t! Jimmy: I’m telling you, straight after I saw it I went out on a killing spree. Mr. Kipling: You liar! Look Bambi is not a horror film it is a loving Disney film adored by children world wide, it has a U certificate for crying out loud! Jimmy: It’s an abomination that's what it is, the content is so perverted and depraved that it is actually cursed look I’m afraid to touch it! Mr. Kipling: As if! Jimmy: Yeah! Three people mysteriously died on set. Mr. Kipling: It’s an animated film. Jimmy: Yeah, well they were stabbed by their pencils. Mr. Kipling: Look I’ve had enough of this, name one really scary part. Jimmy: What about when his mum dies, ahhhhh! Mr. Kipling: That's not scary, it’s just sad. Jimmy: What about all those animals talking! Mr. Kipling: Eh . . . Jimmy: They’re possessed I tell ya! Mr. Kipling: They’re cute and cuddly! Jimmy: Oh yeah well you wouldn’t be saying that if one of those monsters came in here, like that rabid skunk. Mr. Kipling: It’s not an evil film it is nice, charming, cordial, kind, likable, pleasant, joyable, pleasing, you’d think it had been made up by pinches of fairydust it’s that bloody sweet! Jimmy: Look at him, Bambi his cold hearted emotionless face and those piercing eyes. He’d kill you or I in a second, chew up our intestines, mash our brains, use our bones as coat hangers. Mr. Kipling: He’s a bloody herbivore! Jimmy: That shows how evil he is you see he kills for fun! Ahhhhhhhhhhh! ("MRS BATES" APPEARS) Bates: (IN GRUFF VOICE) Hello lads . . .er . . .(CHANGES TO HIGH PITCH SQUEAK) I’d like a chainsaw please. Mr. Kipling: Alright then Fred. Bates: No it’s me Mrs. Bates. Mr. Kipling: Yeah whatever, hey Fred . . . er I mean "Mrs. Bates" erm do you think Bambi is a horror film. Bates: Not at all my mother, I mean me . .er . . . Fred, me . . . I mean my son . . me . . . well I’ve seen it 102 times and theirs nothing wrong with me! Well I’m off now to slaughter a blonde girl . . . er . . I mean I’m off to port a long pearl. Well my mother is well me Fred, my son, me . . . er my mother-me no her him. Aaaaarrrghhh I’m sane I tell you look I won’t touch that fly see, see! Oh bugger it! (CHOPS FLY IN HALF WITH CHAINSAW AND DEPARTS LAUGHING MANICALLY IN GRUFF VOICE, THEN HIGH VOICE, THEN GRUFF VOICE AND SO ON) Mr. Kipling: So you see Bambi, isn’t a horror movie. Jimmy: Well maybe it’s just an action movie, but this other video is of the horror genre. Mr. Kipling: Fantasia? Jimmy: Yeah all those demonically possessed flowers and mops going out to kill and wipe out the human race! Mr. Kipling: Look Jimmy stop this, choose an actual horror film or pay up. Jimmy: Alright how about this Babylon 5 video. Mr. Kipling: Hey I’ve been using that rubbish to prop up those shelves, and anyway it’s only scary in the sense that it is really boring, sad and with crap direction, acting, dialogue and effects. Jimmy: How about this Noel Edmonds video. Mr. Kipling: For crying out loud you must be really sick to watch that depraved stuff get it away from me! Jimmy: So what are you doing for the rest of the night then? Mr. Kipling: Well as we are nearing the end of the episode, I expect soon a large B5 spaceship will appear and I and everyone else will be killed by a nuclear explosion, then next week the whole street and us will reappear as nothing happened undergoing another adventure and then be killed off again by the same old worn characters. (LARGE EXPLOSION B5 IDIOTS ENTER) Sheridan: Prepare for trouble! Ivanova: Make it double! (GALLOWAY ENTERS) Galloway: Two can play at the Pokeman game! Bambi I choose you!!! (THROWS BALL, BAMBI JUMPS OUT HEAD BUTTS IVANOVA INTO CONVENIENTLY PLACED BED OF NAILS) (BAMBI CHARGES THEN AT SHERIDAN PIERCES HIS CHEST WITH ANTLERS AND RIBS OUT HIS COLD SMALL BLACK HEART) Sheridan: Oh dear! (DIES) Jimmy: You see the film is evilllllllll!!!!! Mr Kipling: Doesn’t prove anything. It’s a bit of a shame Sheridan died though it was his wedding tomorrow. Galloway: Well at least he had a good stag night. ALL: Ha, ha, ha , ha, ha, (JIMMY AND KIPLING STOP LAUGHING 5 MINS LATER GALLOWAY CONTINUES UNTIL A WEEK LATER) Mr Kipling: You’ve been here for a week aren’t you going to buy anything? Galloway: No I’m off home now. "Mrs Bates": Watch out they say it going to be pouring down with sleet. Galloway: No it’s rain dear! Get it reindeer!!! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA HOOOHJOHOHOIOHO TETETETETET
AND TO RESPOND TO
JANUARYS BUSINESSMAN
REPORT: 1 Shark Street, Nr Whale Street.Franklin - I'm afraid the evil robot clones of you and the Captain failed to destroy the competition. Ivanova - Looks like we'll have to do it ourselves after seeing the new Videoshop of Garibaldi's. Garibaldi - What do you think? Ivanova - Baldi Star Videos? Garibaldi - Someone nicked the Gari, dam Richard Whitely and his evil game! Franklin - Let's go in. Garibaldi - Look at our Videos. Ivanova - Both of Them. Garibaldi - The rest are out. Ivanova - Out where? Garibaldi - Err, Look its Captains Corner, look at the great sign, it lights up. Ivanova - That is a great sign, "Drinks, Nukes and Snacks". You sell nukes then. Sheridan - I hoped you wouldn't notice it, rested between the mars bars and Caramels. Ivanova - The fact its 9 foot long, Stainless steel with the words "Beware Nuke - do not drop unless you are really annoyed with someone." Sheridan - Or want Entertainment exclusive to Baldi Star. Garibaldi - That's Garibaldi Star. Ivanova - Trust you and nukes didn't you learn after that Jupiter thing? Sheridan - Setting fire to Gas Planets is a great idea! Franklin - Lets vist the competition. Sheridan - Nuke 'em till they Glow ... Garibaldi - ... then shoot 'em in the dark. Scene 2 - In Whale StreetKipling - look Customers. (Enters two film reviewers.) Tall one - Now lets review the Whale Street series. Blonde One - Do we have to watch this total waste of space? Tall one - All of the films contradict but follows a similar pattern ending in the inevitable massacre of the original cast. Blonde One - Every time I saw Kipling I wanted to kick him in the nuts, wrench them off and feeeeeeed them to the lovely little squirrels in the park. Dam the grey squirrels, taking over the country with their American way of life, forcing on us the gun style police force and taking over the reds. (Kicks Kipling in the nuts) (B5 Crew Enter) Sheridan - What did I miss? Blonde One - You, Ivanova, You are truly sick women, murdering and ... (Ivanova hits him) Ivanova - I'll be back (Drags him off) Tall one - The characters are believably portrayed, Another Tall One - The first half is sick and the second Third tall One - EXPLOSIVE! Blonde one - Yes, it appears the second half is superior, with the heroic Captain Sheridan, Gentle and Kind Commander Ivanova and, wait I can't see the writing, oh yes, the well groomed Mr GariBALDIIII, who isn't bald, its just a trick off the light. Alright I did it, now put the gun down. Franklin - Don't forget me! Blonde one - Oh yes, the doctor who is quite good in that he isn't aiming a gun at me. Tall one - Next one up is "Captain Sheridan Foam a ramma, the best hits" where Captain Sheridan Covers People, things, building, cities and France in Foam, I would - Sheridan - you like foam a ramma! Blonde one - No I do not, I would rather have a coconut shoved up my prostate. (Sheridan throws him at a pile of Foam a ramma Videos, The Blonde One Throws one a Sheridan, we see it flying toward him on the back of the vid cam and catch it.) Sheridan - You see he couldn't wait, his enthusiasm made him leap for them. Ivanova - You threw him! Tall One - Wait minute this is a film Script. Blonde One - Of course it is I'm not even bruised and can jump on the top of this Conveniently placed Lamppost and swing. Just look at how the set's made out of cheap plywood, like the entire budget was spent on the graphics! Sheridan - I think all those writers taking down everything we do gave it away. Tall One - Lets review one more and leave before the traditional ending. Blonde One - Oh, no, the clock on that 9-foot nuke is ticking. Ivanova - Didn't I tell you to leave that a home! Tall One - Our final film is Mutant Security lizard. Garibaldi - My Favorite film of all time!!! Tall one - It stars, oh Garibaldi as the mutant lizard who glows green when danger threatens. Garibaldi - You have no idea what chemicals I was forced to eat for that. Blonde One - He runs up and down with his Sidekick the Bald Brigade fighting the Xylophones on Cardboard set. Garibaldi - That was the Planet Zing, we explained in the film it is a Cardboard Plant! Blonde One - The acting was worse than Bollywood, I've seen Ice cubes with flies in them that impressed me more. Garibaldi - It went exactly according to plan. Tall one - Only if your plan was to look stupid. Garibaldi - Damm got to tighten Security. Blonde one - Lets go before the typical ending of the bomb going off and making a pretty mushroom cloud that will spawn Godzilla himself. Still not a very effective ending is it? Wouldn't it be better if Whale Street was consumed by a Pus filled Gelatinous mass hmmmmmmmm? Franklin - You haven't seen Galloway have you? Tall one - I said it was not the Millennium Dome. Blonde one - Good, I thought the Millennium Dome would not be a Successful if it Looked like a Giant arse, in honour of the two arsed God, (Reviewers Leave, Fighting each other Kung Fu Style) Kipling - I have been trained in fighting by a Pokemon master. (Ivanova shoots him, Bates and shop in general)( Ivanova - I hate that programme. Sheridan - We've go to go, the nukes ticking. (All Jump into Cars, which have magically appeared since the Reviewers left.) Franklin - Garibaldi, shouldn't you wear a seat belt? Garibaldi - Seat belts are for Wimps. ( 5 Seconds later Garibaldi is on floor with car stuck in Galloway.) Garibaldi - Doc! (Franklin picks him up and all escape just seconds before whale street is nuked for the Umpteenth time and this time the radioactivity is really bad.) THE END So lets see if Sicko can think up of a new Story line that I can nuke. P.S. Told you I could write in New Character into the script. SEAT BELTS SAVE LIVES |