From: General E Good, Earth Force Command

EPIC III - INDIANA JONES AND THE LAST INSANE

Following the unmitigated success of my previous epics I am writing another high adventure all action film script using my old
faithful cast

SCENE 1  OLD MUSEUM

INDIANA JONES-So are you C.D?
MAN- Err, no, I've never been to Amsterdam.
JONES- I  mean are you the one who called me?
MAN- Oh yes We recently discovered an ancient Egyptian text in a secret tomb telling the location of the treasure of Pharaoh
Drala Fee.
JONES- Great!
MAN- It also tells of the curse, which bizarrely involves...
JONES- Wait, I have had enough of curses and stuff, only an idiot messes with Egyptian curses

(ELSEWHERE...)

GARIBALDI- I’ve got this great holiday destination, Ancient Egypt, visit the Pyramids, the tombs and experience the horror of
an authentic quaint little curse!
SHERIDAN-What was that last bit again?
GARIBALDI-DOH!!!!
SHERIDAN-You didn't pay did you?
GARIBALDI-Well the guy said there was a pile of ancient treasure, gold, jewels and....Captain?, where did you go?
SHERIDAN-I am packing!

Scene 2 - WHALE STREET

KIPLING-We’re going to our favourite holiday destination!
BATES-My Pub
GALLOWAY-Butlins!
KIPLING-No Egypt!
BATES-Why Egypt?
KIPLING-Because of GOLD
GALLOWAY-Who’s he?
KIPLING-Don’t worry, you're only dumb in the literal sense
GALLOWAY-Thanks, I love you!!!

Scene 3 - B5 STAFF SHUTTLE

IVANOVA-Is the best ship you could find?
SHERIDAN-Yes, and the word is aquire
IVANOVA-You mean its stolen! From who?
SHERIDAN-Don’t worry.
            AL BESTER IN ANIMAL TRANSPORT......’’Damn’’ (hit by Chicken)

SCENE 4     IN EGYPT

SHERIDAN-We need information on the ancient text, Ivanova and Doc Franklin go that way, Garibaldi and I will go here to
the ’hotel exclusive rich’

(ELSEWHERE IN EGYPT...)

GALLOWAY-Look at that beach, those triangle sand castles!
BATES-I vote he sleeps near the sewer .
KIPLING-I vote he sleeps in the sewer

MEANWHILE.
SHERIDAN-So old man, what do you know?
OLD MAN-(EVIL CACKLES)
GARIBALDI-We know that you know so tell us
OLD MAN-(MORE CACKLING)
SHERIDAN-Alright bribe him
GARIBALDI-Do you see this pen I am holding?
SHERIDAN-When I said bribe I didn’t mean stationary
GARIBALDI-This is a tried and tested technique
SHERIDAN-So it works then?
GARIBALDI-Let me do my job
SHERIDAN-It doesn't does it
GARIBALDI-Of course it does, who could refuse this magnificent chewed ball point pen?
SHERIDAN-Is that a multiple choice question?
OLD MAN-I’ll have it
GARIBALDI-See! Here you are
OLD MAN-Thanks
GARIBALDI-Sure thing.. wait a...DOH!!!!
SHERIDAN-Great just give away our leverage!
GARIBALDI-He outwitted me!
SHERIDAN-So did that glove puppet
GARIBALDI-Now what do we do?
 
(SHERIDAN PULLS OUT PISTOL)

OLD MAN- All right the hotel back door is there
GARIBALDI-YAHOOO, ITS POOL TIME!!!!
SHERIDAN-The joy of not paying for stuff is great isn't it?
OLD MAN-HUMBUG!

ELSEWHERE..

FRANKLIN-So, what do you know?
DIFFERENT OLD MAN-When the moon is low, and the river high, find the tomb and you will die!
IVANOVA-Cheerful, what else
OLD MAN-If in Whale street you should be, a total git are ye!
IVANOVA-What about the text?
OLD MAN-If the text you wish to see, answer me these questions three
IVANOVA-(Hits him) Just tell me
OLD MAN-Alright, just trying to inject a bit of mystery you know, give it a bit of class to-(hit again)-right then, its over there,
beyond the valley of doom, the land of night, beyond-(gets hit)-ALRIGHT, BOBS CAFE!
FRANKLIN-Thanks
OLD MAN-You’ll thank me when I get an oscar, give this film some credibility
IVANOVA-Shut the hell up or the only thing you will get is thrown in a sewer
OLD MAN-Oh yeah try it

(10 SECONDS LATER)

FRANKLIN-Your despicable
IVANOVA-Well now he has a reason to complain
FRANKLIN-You don't change, ask Kipling
IVANOVA-Look!

(AT HOTEL)

SHERIDAN-What did you get?
IVANOVA-All the info we need, and the Whale street cast are here
SHERIDAN-Are they after the treasure?
IVANOVA-There’s only one thing they'll get
GARIBALDI-Sun burn? I have
IVANOVA-No I was been threatening
SHERIDAN-They might get sunburn, if they aren't protected
IVANOVA-How did we get on this subject?
FRANKLIN-It is a serious issue and needs to be mentioned for the audience
IVANOVA-What audience? Were lucky if five people see this!
SHERIDAN-Lets just get some sleep
FRANKLIN-Good idea, after all an early bed time is good, more advice from me later
GARIBALDI-And clean your room
IVANOVA-If I kill you, I will never get caught
GARIBALDI-Night all

(NEXT MORNING)

KIPLING-Sleep well Galloway?
GALLOWAY-Yes the water in the pit was surprisingly warm
BATES-What’s that smell?, oh Galloway
KIPLING-Lets eat there, Bobs cafe

(IN BOBS CAFE)

IVANOVA-Its that Whale street lot, try to look inconspicuous, that means stop pretending to nuke things Captain
WAITER-Look its Galloway!
MANAGER-You’ve heard of him?
WAITER-Only in legend, he is known as the cess pit, for obvious reasons

(GALLOWAY BEGINS EATING)

IVANOVA-I’ll use this opportunity to find the manager, no one can see me past all the flying food chunks and airborne saliva
BOB-What is it?
IVANOVA-It is called Galloway on some worlds, the Bible calls him pestilence, are you Bob?
BOB-Yes hot lips
IVANOVA-Great, what about the.....hot lips?
BOB-Yeah babe, listen up.....

(10 SECONDS LATER)

SHERIDAN-That was sick but impressive
IVANOVA-When I threw him across the room I didn’t think Galloway would well.....
FRANKLIN-Eat him?
IVANOVA-Well yes
GARIBALDI-In four seconds flat without stopping for breath
SHERIDAN-So how do we find the treasure?
WAITER-You mean the lost treasure of Drala fee?
SHERIDAN-Err yes
WAITER-The entrance is out the back, near the staff door
IVANOVA-Could you give this wafer thin mint to Galloway/

(OUTSIDE)

GARIBALDI-Looks like a cloakroom
IVANOVA-Over here is the tomb entrance, that is a cloakroom
GARIBALDI-Just exercising my detective skills
IVANOVA-They don't need exercise, they need a Stanna stairlift
SHERIDAN-Look at that door, we would need a nuke or earthquake to budge it
IVANOVA-Taken care of, 10, 9, 8.....

(IN CAFE)

WAITER-Its only a wafer thin mint
GALLOWAY-Okay then

(EATS IT AND BEGINS SHAKING)

(OUTSIDE..)

IVANOVA-.....321

(MASSIVE EXPLOSION CAUSING DOOR TO FALL)

SHERIDAN-What was that?
IVANOVA-Galloway exploding
SHERIDAN-Forget nukes, I am going to explode FAT PEOPLE!
GARIBALDI-Is he all right?
FRANKLIN-Just a phase like when he tried to ignite Jupiter or cover all of the Centauri home world in foam

(SUDDENLY FIVE WARRIORS JUMP FROM TOMB)

1st WARRIOR-We are the guardians of the treasure, we call upon the power of the animal spirits in us to defeat you!!
1st WARRIOR-I am the NEWT, I sliver in pond scum!
2nd WARRIOR-I am the EMU, I embarrass Parky on T.V!
3rd WARRIOR-I am the BLUE BOTTLE, I annoy people!
4th WARRIOR-I am the THREE TOED SLOTH, I don't do very much!
5th WARRIOR-I am the DUTCH ELM, I ........
IVANOVA-That’s a tree, not an animal
ELM-Don’t nit pick
IVANOVA-Nit pick!, you're a damn tree!
ELM-Hey now.....
IVANOVA-Look at me, I'm an Elm tree, I can be a plank or chair!
ELM-Well all the other animal names had gone!
IVANOVA-What about the Lion or something?
ELM-Oh yeah, I am the LION, I have hair!
IVANOVA-Oh no you don't, you're a tree, not even a good one
ELM-The Elm is a magnificent tree!, Its not because I can't spell any others....
IVANOVA-I knew it plank boy!
ELM-Well you try signing cheques when you can't spell you're name!
IVANOVA-So you sign them ’’Elm’’!
ELM-There are stranger things
IVANOVA-Name one
ELM-What about that guy who .......ate himself
IVANOVA-You just made that up
ELM-No I didn’t, it was my...err...nephew
IVANOVA-Wake up and smell what you're shovelling!
ELM-Alright, what about that cop whose half machine
IVANOVA-Robocop is a film
ELM-Well I mean inspector Gadget so there!
IVANOVA-Are you a south park fan?
ELM-Yeah, so what does that make me?
IVANOVA-Fair game
ELM-You think I'm just prey for you?
IVANOVA-Of course not, you're also ugly all day
NEWT-Sorry to interrupt, but can we have our battle?
IVANOVA-Alright then, I’ll make you wish you were a sapling again plank boy !
NEWT-Lets do it warriors!!!!

(NEWT jumps on ground and starts slivering around, EMU looks at FRANKLIN in a menacing way, BLUEBOTTLE runs around GARIBALDI saying buzz very loudly, SLOTH sits down and ELM freezes in place)

FRANKLIN-What the....
GARIBALDI-This guy is starting to bug me
SHERIDAN-Lets just go in
GARIBALDI-Can I kill this guy?
FRANKLIN-That would be murder
GARIBALDI-Can I wound him then, just a little?
FRANKLIN-Look its Kipling and Bates! the fly should be attracted to Bates

(BLUEBOTTLE goes to BATES)

BATES-Do you see that fly, I'm not even going to swat it, so they'll say ‘’he wont even hurt a fly’’
KIPLING-Lets just go in
IVANOVA-Let them go first
 
(KIPLING enters followed by BATES, immediatly fall down a flight of stairs)

IVANOVA follows using a torch so doesn’t fall)
SHERIDAN-Look, writing on the wall, what does it say?
IVANOVA-It says "the food here is good and we met this charming American couple from Arkansas who invited us to join there family who hunt wild Gerbils for their expensive coats but in winter have to eat their own family members"
SHERIDAN-Really?
IVANOVA-Of course not really! you think I can read this stuff?
GARIBALDI-So who is this American couple?
SHERIDAN-Lets move on
GARIBALDI-Why would the Pharaoh meet them?

(AFTER 2 HOURS)

IVANOVA-Admit it, we're lost
SHERIDAN-Of course not, I know exactly what I'm doing

(FALLS THROUGH TRAP DOOR)

IVANOVA-Great
SHERIDAN-Hey I've found something down here!
GARIBALDI-Why do they hunt Gerbils?
IVANOVA-Come on

(ALL JUMP DOWN)

IVANOVA-So what is it?
SHERIDAN-My lucky coin!
IVANOVA-What’s it doing down here?
SHERIDAN-It was in my pocket all along, I thought I had lost it!
IVANOVA-Can I have a word..............

(30 SECONDS LATER........)

IVANOVA-.........AND USE THEM AS EAR-RINGS!!!!!!!!
SHERIDAN-I promise I won't do that again
GARIBALDI-I didn’t know they had Gerbils in Arkansas
FRANKLIN-Look a passage way
(ENTER HUGE TREASURE ROOM)

IVANOVA-Look at all that!  what will you do with yours?
SHERIDAN-I’ll buy a Quantium 40 bomb and ignite Jupiter!
FRANKLIN-I’ll build the best hospital facility ever
GARIBALDI-I’ll set up a refuge for the persecuted Gerbils
IVANOVA-Do you here a buzzing noise?
SHERIDAN-Its Bates and that fly guy!
BATES-The treasure is all mine!
FLY-I will stop you, I am the BLUEBOTTLE BUZZ BUZZ!!!!!!
IVANOVA-Listen...
(STRANGE MOANING NOISE)

FLY-IT IS DRALA FEES MUMMY!!!!
GARIBALDI-I wonder if..
FRANKLIN-STOP, if I here one mummy joke out of anyone they are history!

(ENTER THE MUMMY)

FRANKLIN-Those bandages were a good piece of work
SHERIDAN-RUN!!!!
IVANOVA-There’s got to be some ancient spell to get rid of him
GARIBALDI-I saw something in the tourist brochure about this under "watch out for that dead guy; useful tips for dealing with the undead by Lorraine Kelley"
IVANOVA-Find it quick!

(mummy heads for Kipling and Bates)

KIPLING -Oh bollocks
BATES-Ditto
IVANOVA-Got it yet?
GARIBALDI-I’m still on the bit about rabid rabbits and their feeding patterns
IVANOVA-Well hurry, its killed those two and is heading this way!
GARIBALDI-GOT IT!!, its a chant
IVANOVA-Read it!
GARIBALDI-WALLA WALLA WUMPO, DOY WOY PU ICK TRANSIT VAN?

(MUMMY STOPS)

GARIBALDI-TRYES UP SED WELSHMEN POLK SHEEP

(MUMMY LAUGHS LOUDLY)

FRANKLIN-Is that supposed to happen?
GARIBALDI-It was found in the tomb of Taffy the prankster

( mummy continues on)

IVANOVA-I hate practical jokes
 
( SUDDENLY)

SHERIDAN-TAKE COVER!    (THROWS SOMETHING)
IVANOVA-AH HELL!

( VERY BIG EXPLOSION )

SHERIDAN-So much for the mummy, lets fetch the trucks and take this treasure home mummy gets up
MUMMY-I’M still here you know
 
( all hide as SHERIDAN throws another grenade)

(MASSIVE EXPLOSION )

SHERIDAN-Anyway...
MUMMY-YOU BLEW MY LEG OFF!
SHERIDAN-Well you were dead anyway
MUMMY-Doesn’t mean I didn’t want it!, how am I supposed to get around now ?!
SHERIDAN-You can hop
MUMMY-HOP! HOP!
SHERIDAN-Yeah
MUMMY-I’M A BLOODY PHARAOH, NOT LONG JOHN SILVER!
GARIBALDI-You could slide
MUMMY-SLIDE!! WHAT IF I WANT TO GO UPHILL?
GARIBALDI-If you get enough speed you could....
MUMMY-GET LAUNCHED INTO ORBIT!!!
GARIBALDI-Well....
MUMMY-IS IT A BIRD, IS IT A PLANE? NO ITS A MUMMY WHO HAS JUST SKI JUMPED INTO ISRAELI AIR SPACE!
SHERIDAN-Stop whinging
MUMMY-YOU’VE BLOWN MY LEG OFF AND WOKEN ME UP FROM A VERY NICE DREAM ABOUT CLEO AND ... WELL NEVER MIND
GARIBALDI-I can understand you being cranky
MUMMY-Thanks, I never wanted to be a mummy you know, I wanted to be a lumberjack, I would sing this song.........

So Sheridan bought his bomb, but was arrested before he could ignite Jupiter and lost a lot of money bribing the Judge, which of course is perfectly legal. Franklin built his hospital which Garibaldi visited regularly, well perhaps was admitted to is a better description, mainly with Gerbil bites to the head, he may have been using them as a cheap wig, although he claims his baldness is a trick of the light. As for Ivanova, she invested wisely and now owns the worlds businesses

THE END

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