Sorry I haven't written anything recently, in fact I'm really sorry as you've had to put up with the General's epic ramblings, I did actually write something which was released in the U.S and parts of London, but have withdrawn it from circulation after a serious of copycat escapades where they wore the same clothes as in the film, resulting in 5 casualties and 21 injuries, I also got a lot of death threats. No doubt though as soon as I'm dead the penny pinching Pobice will re-release the aforementioned material under the glare of the public only for it to be not as shocking as in this time period. Well quite frankly I'll have to stay as a recluse now and never do a cookery show again. This week I can exclusively reveal the new programs that will appear on Goblin t.v. Firstly I have secured the rights to the Premier League of snail racing and the Prozac Wall Talking Invitational in Skegness. Today I will premiere a another new show "This is your life and death" look at the typescript from the first show and I'm sure you'll agree it's better than sliced bread with four layers of chocolate, a six pack of beer and a supermodel on top (low-fat meal) This is your life and death pt 1 General E Good 1888-1940Outside "Mystery Guests" house (well caravan-well cardboard box looking caravan) Shamus O'Really; Well tonight’s guest is a world renowned in the scientific world for being a lunatic, he has captivated fans . . . . er. . . . . fan with his unoriginal stories of alien abduction, interstellar wars and interesting cycling holidays in Kent. (BURSTS THROUGH CARBOARD WALL) Shamus O'Really; Tonight General Edith, Padlova, Pikachu, Vimto, Fairy Good "This is your life . . . and death!" (GENERAL SAT IN HIS THUNDERCATS PYJAMAS PLAYING WITH TOY SOLDIERS ON A FILTH RIDDEN FLOOR COVERED IN LICE LOOKS ON SHOCKED) General; Wow you really want my life story. STUDIO 3 TSB PRODUCTIONS.Shamus; Here you see all your family and friends (CUE AN AN ARRAY OF MISFITS AND ODDBALLS INCLUDING UNCLE JOCK CHANTING I AM FROM THE PLANET ZARG, JORDAN WITH A CROWN SHAPED LIKE A PYRAMID COVERED IN A COAT MADE FROM MARS BAR WRAPPERS,VARIOUS CARBOARD CUT OUTS OF B5 CHARACTERS AND LUCIOUS LUCY THE GENERAL'S INFLATABLE FRIEND) General; You really have pulled out all the stops.
(DAD COMES ON IN REALLY SMART ARMANI SUIT) General; Dad you look different since I last referred to you in a previously
unfunny report.
(A VERY OLD MAN COMES ON IN WHEELCHAIR) General; Goodness I thought you were dead!
(AAAAGHHHHHHHHHH NOT THE TUNING FORK!) General; Private Blighty Jnr! (NERVOUS WRECK OF AN OLD MAN COMES LIMPING ON) Shamus; Yes you were together when you were caught and questioned at
Gestapo headquarters.
Part two of the show will hopefully be ready for next month after we had to stop filming as the Blighty's beat the crap out of the General (N.B they were very old men who have most of limbs amputated) and a few of his family members joined in too. So come back and find out about his wife, his mistress, how a 112 old man looks like a 18 year old and has the mentality of a 4 year old.
AND TO RESPOND TO
BUSINESSMAN
REPORT: I am sure you are all aware of the return of Sicko (real name Rudigar Rattigan Swamp thing) But what you might not know is why he returned. For this story I present Mr Chapel , a very capable individual. Hi there, I am Mr Chapel, a friend of mine hired me to find a guy called the sick business man, a very appropriate name, its what happened when I saw the photo. Anyway, it turns out that over christmas he had made quite a bit of money, mainly through fraud, cheating old women and that sort of thing, so I decided to change a few things in his life. The business man, or Sicko as he prefers to be called, had invested all his ill gotten gains into a company producing rubber items, like wigs and stuff. He has a nice car, a nice big house, and a very happy lifestyle, to begin with anyway. A man like this judges himself by what he has, lets start with the house, very large, very spacious, very easy to blow up. Old Sicko was at the Richard Whiteley convention at the time, where to keep him busy I organised a hundred old people to challenge him to arm wrestling. By the time he got back after a number of crushing defeats I had cleared away all remnants of his house, leaving only a large hole. This confused him. He spent the next day trying to hunt for his house, he seemed to think it had escaped. I decided to make an appearence. Posing as an estate agent I offered him the opportunity for a unique apartment in Los Angeles, very close to where they make films, I didn't tell him they were films like ''The greatest sleazy murdering gangsters in the World'' and ''Shoot the innocent man in room 403.'' Sicko was very pleased with this and paid me all the money he had in the bank to get it, he allowed me to book his flight and transport to LA. At this point sicko has no money, home or furniture, however he still has a company and a car. Sicko was trying to get a Japanese company to invest for his business to go global, he authorised an introduction to his company and himself to be sent to all the top Japanese executives, I found them and changed a few points, a copy is below. Greetings people of Japan, I hope you can read this with those squinty little eyes, but of course you all wear huge big ugly glasses so no problem. I have a proposition, I intend to con you out of all your money, the garden pixies told me to do it, this may sound strangestrange but it makes sense, people are always staring at me, you know because your bright yellow and three feet tall, but I suppose no one can stare with those silly little eyes, did I mention it was my dad who nuked your country? I have a long history in your country so pay me. Well need I say the Japanese pulled out, and sent a dozen ninja warriors to find him, so he asked to move to LA quickly. After three weeks I booked him on a plane, first class, which meant he could sit on the box with the chickens and be entitled to some chicken feed, yes it was an animal transport, so was the truck to his apartment, number 403. As far as slums go this one wasn't too bad, only twelve people had been murdered there, and the chalk outlines livened the room up, a good contrast to the slime dripping down the walls and the cockroaches. It turned out sicko was scared of cockroaches, I decided to use this. I replaced his mattress with a large plastic bag full of cockroaches. He now sleeps on the floor. The next day his car arrived. He was overjoyed, less so when it started smoking, when it exploded it kinda ruined his day. Still, he always had his business, not global but still making money. I drafted a letter using official government stamps telling him to change his currency. To monopoly money. His business sank in two days, and the terrorists blowing it up was an equal blow and his insurance company going bust when it did, how unfortunate. He was going to sell his apartment but when the L.A.P.D layed siege to it on an anonymous tip off that there were a dozen killer Ninjas inside, he decided to leave it and return to obscurity, Which is why he had to return to writing false allegations. I really loved ruining his life. Really. If he ever has a new one, I'll get him again. FastCounter by LinkExchange ©Copyright Pobice 1998-2000 |