This is Your Life
and Death Part 2.

Last time we left the General he was being beat up by two old men. Now we finish the show at his bedside on the intensive care unit at St Britany's hospital.

Shamus; So what happened to you after the interrogation?
General; Blighty and I were sent to Colditz, but we soon escaped.
Shamus; Really!
General; Yeah only a really stupid coward couldn't escape.
Shamus; That would explain why no americ . . . er . . . moving swiftly on. How did you escape?
General; We scaled the walls under the cover of dark.
Shamus; Did this escape involve having to dress up as a nazi- milkmaid?
General; Yes, Bligthy did have to dress up.
Shamus; But why if you only were climbing over the walls.
General; Someone had to distract the guards.
Shamus; Eaaaauuuuuuuuuuggghhh! Well then D-Day approched soon after and you and your new squad were assigned to take a small stretch of beach in Normandy.
General; Yes but to some freak navigation mistake we ended up a couple of miles off course.
Shamus; How many?
General; 3000
Shamus; On a relatively quiet Caribbean island.
General; Yes we missed the rest of the war-what a shame. But we did secure the island from the enemy. I mean all those turtles and scantily clad women can be dangerous.
Shamus; You returned home and were based in the M.O.D to finish your service.
General; Yes I was put into a key role where I instigated research into new technology.
Shamus; You were the TV repairman.
General; Yes, but it was a key role, nobody liked to miss Andy Pandy, I remember Montgomery missed the first 5 minutes due to a blown fuse and he punished me profusely. Even now I can not look at shower heads in the same way.
Shamus; We move onto the sixties and were you left the army and joined the police.
General; Yes I headed a special taskforce in crowd control.
Shamus; You beat up hippies.
General; Yes well those lay abouts deserve a good kicking, going on about peace putting me out of business.
Shamus; Yes I expect all those drugs, orgies and ridiculuos clothes angered you.
General; Drugs? . . .Orgies? . . .DAMN I wished I'd joined. Oh I only thought they hugged trees!
Shamus; Anyway you missed the whole of the seventies in a mad drinking and mars bar binge.
General; Yes it's true I got addicted to mars bars, it started of with the soft stuff milky bars, fudges, nut then I got hooked on mars bars, I would eat 50 a day it got to a point where I would steal off my own family (well more than usual). I can't remember half the crazy stuff I did under the influence, you know I think I even bought a Bay City Roller record.
Shamus; What about becoming an alcoholic, I heared you drank the equivalent of 50 pints of whisky. . . an hour.
General; I've always drank that much and never had a problem, in fact I'm pissed now.-pangging:
Shamus; Oh so that's why you aren't wearing any trousers.
General; Yes I can never become sober or else I would relise how sad my life is. I also would remember that the Bay City Rollers have broken up and have another nervous breakdown.
Shamus; In 1982 you rejoined the army, to fight in the Falklands, you drew up the lines of battle unfortunately with spirograph so several American ships were blown up. It was there you met your wife.
General; Yes she thought I was a very regal and mature man.
Shamus; She thought you were an old coot who had money to burn. The wedding was a simple affair with an Muppets theme, and heavy police guard for you from your family. Anyway do you recognize this voice;
VOICE; COOKIES! LOVELY COOKIES . . . . .OH I DO TAKE THIS MAN TO BE MY . . . . .
General; My estranged wife!
Shamus; Yes enter Mrs Good.
General; Hello my little hyena. You know the interesting thing is she dressed up as elmo for the wedding.
Mrs Good; I hate you scum!
Shamus; Why did you stay with him so long?
Mrs Good; I expected him to die I mean he was around 80 but then he lasted another 10 years and discovered the secret of eternal youth.
Shamus; Which is?
General; It is a secret mixture made up of Birdseye fish-fingers and scal.
Shamus; Eh . . .er . . . . .yes! Anyway you joined or rather blackmailed your way into the greta institution which is the pobice website; Do you recognise this voice.
VOICE; HA HA HA ALL THE ADVERT MONEY IS MINE!
General; Why it's Pobice.
Pobice; Hello.
General; Here are the negatives wink, wink nudge, nudge.
Shamus; It was there you met the Sick Businessman, and became arch nemesis's.
General; Yes it was of many fickle arguments such as for example I wanted world destruction and he wanted world domination.
Shamus; Anyway as a final surprise do you recognise this voice;

(SOUND OF CARDBOARD WOBBLING)

General; Er . . . is it Rolf Harris?
Shamus; No it's your secret mistress, a cardboard life size cut out of Willow!

(BENT AND WELL STAINED CUT OUT COMES OUT)

(CLARKY GRABS CUT OUT AND RUNS AWAY INTO THE SUN SET LAUGHING MANICALLY WITH A HINT OF CAMPNESS)

General; No I've lost my true love, how will I live how will I go on through those cold lonely nights, with out my solemate, the wobbling sounds, the roughness of her rigid card . . . . are bugger it she gave me lots of paper cuts, cost me a fortune in sellotape and kept nagging on about a Caribbean holiday.
Shamus; Well nevermind you loony it's time for your death.
General; WHAT?!
Shamus; Don't act surprised you should have known by the shows title this was coming.
General; I only thought you were going to cut my ears off. Damn my infernal piles . . . . er I mean . . . .er . . . dyslexia, yes that should cover it.
Shamus; So do you want to be:

1. shot.
2. killed by continuous lovemaking by the world's most beautiful women.
3. or put into the machine of terror which will stimulate every neuron in your body with the combined pain of s club 7 records, 1000°C red hot pokers and jumping on a bicycle with no seat. Yet enabling you to come back from the dead a few days later and write the usual crap report involving the same shitty B5 characters who now spend there times looking for extra work on the set of Emmerdale or are in rehab.

So the General was put to death and you could hear his screams on Mars, and the sound of his bodily organs being squished and his bones being scraped at the other end of the death chamber.

Anyway you can e-mail me at business_man@usa.net or write to me at

42 What the hell is scal? street
Why is scal my farvorite word town
Ishouldreallythinkofanewwordershire
G1TK AMP

---

AND TO RESPOND TO SEPTEMBERS BUSINESSMAN REPORT:
GENERAL E. GOOD - OUR CHIEF CRITIC


From: General E Good, Earth Force Command

Unfortunately for Sicko he has been the subject of an experiment without even knowing about it, a kind of human guinea pig (not an inaccurate description if you've seen him). My specialist team lured him to a secret facility using a trail of biscuits, we hit him repeatedly and wired him up to a thought monitoring machine, (easily available at your local CIA superstore) hit him a bit more (I'm only human!) and then began. The Sicko's story you have just read was part of the experiment, we gave him a scenario and saw where his tiny demented mind led it.

The results were disturbing

He appears to have a burning irrational hatred of me, can't imagine why? (maybe it was something I said?) His little delusion was a way of expressing this as he has no real dirt to dish, I'm very careful that way.

The next stage was to give him a new scenario and then fiddle with events in it to gauge his reaction, it all sounds very scientific but really we were making it up as we went along for a laugh.

The results were disturbing

The scenario we gave him was that he was a high flying internet millionaire who's world was about to crash, thanks to somebody messing with his computer. He starts at home, married to what appears to be his dream, a tall blond who cooks, cleans....and is a cartoon. Also she never speaks, just cackles when he does. With the money he made he planned to invest in coffee tables, he would take over the market and hold the world to ransom, the terror of having to walk into the dining room to rest your coffee cup on the dinner table would give him power over millions, or at least that's where he wanted the fantasy to go, but whereas the fun in that? We decided to fritter away his fortune bit by bit, the money was all that mattered to him so that's what we targeted. He'd set aside a bit of money in a secret account in case of emergency, so we donated it to the disaster relief fund of Mexico. He was a little annoyed, that fifty million wasn't easy to come by, well it was for Henrico Gonzalez.

The next step was his car, we donated that to the truck-o-saurus show, ever see a Ferrari crushed by a giant mechanical dinosaur? Sicko has, from five different angles to the tune of a medley of Britney Spears songs every time he turns on his TV or video or computer, It was at this point that he decided to withdraw half his fortune in cash, we naturally intercepted the delivery. When he opened the bag all he found was a neatly folded note with the deep and philosophical message:
  YA BOO NA NA NA NAA NAA

Because none of us knew how to write down the noise a raspberry makes (not the fruit). We let him hire a private detective, not that dissimilar to Clouseau. He gave him a phone number which he believed linked him to the thieves, of course he immediately demanded his money back. We returned to him in installments of a million pounds in ten million pieces, thank staples for the shredder. After two weeks and three hundred thousand pounds of sticky tape he gave up and swore revenge. He wanted an investment in the future so we took the liberty and a lot of his money and bought him a present, the following is a transcript

(a lorry pulls up in the drive way)

''What's that!''
''Your delivery, oh we couldn't fit them all in one lorry''
''What!''
''Your antique bed pans of course''

(stunned silence from sicko)

''All ten thousand are present, and you had some nerve bidding against that museum''

Needless to say he was not best pleased, and when we donated them to the museum anyway.......... Well he never wanted them, now tens of people can marvel at them in Brussels. Then we gave his cartoon wife a voice, Macy Gray's voice actually, and a tendency to nag and throw things like plates, vases, flaming spears. A normal marital life. We had a song dedicated to him sung by Britney Spears, our subjects favorite person besides that ugly bloke from the mirror he has stare out contests with. He was happy until he heard it, the title may give you a clue ''Ape man stalker''. He began convinced the world was conspiring against him, which of course it was, and he ended up in the local loony bin, with Clarky and people who think Willow is less than perfect (Its my damn experiment!).

To cover our tracks we loaded him on a plane and dropped him off in Ecuador, well at least it looked like Ecuador, its hard to tell from ten thousand feet. With luck that's the last we'll see of him, but like a French man in a Brothel, he's never completely gone

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