From: General E Good, Earth Force Command

THE SANTA WARS

Here's a nice seasonal businessman-less report

SCENE 1: THE NORTH POLE

SANTA: You know I'm getting too old for this, which is why I've been training you in the art of being Santa.
COLONEL ZECHS MERQUISE: I understand, I will not fail you in my new quest.
SANTA: You never told me your previous job?
ZECHS: Well, err....

SHOT OF PARIS, TOTALLY DEVESTATED AND SMOKING

ZECHS: It wasn't much, more of a hobby
SANTA: I believe you, here.

Santa hands over his famous red coat

SANTA: It is time; prepare yourself for tonight, this Christmas Eve.

Zechs leaves, hoping for a new start, for he is now Santa

SCENE 2: LOS ANGELES

LACKEY 1: We are prepared my master

Enter the evil leader, he wears a fur coat, fuzzy hat, big beard and inadvertently twitches his hand from time to time.

LEADER: Good, we shall now take over the toonami towers in down town L.A, WE WILL THEN HOLD THE U.S.A TO RANSOM! ACK ACK ACK ARRRRR!
LACKEY: Yes master!
LEADER: Then the world will know the name DUSTY BIN LADEN!

Dusty and his stereotypical Arab terrorist cannon fodder depart in a big van.

SCENE 3: BACK NORTH

ZECHS: I made some changes to the sleigh
SANTA: Those reindeer?
ZECHS: They are mechanical, much cheaper, and with built in fog lights.

[Rudolph sneers in disgust]

SANTA: Welllll, okay
ZECHS: See you tomorrow

Zechs flicks a switch, the mecha deer ignite jet engines and depart, leaving a trail of fire

SANTA: I still think he was a good choice

The Elves stare at him

SANTA: Really.
LEAD ELF: You see what he wanted us to build?
SANTA: I don't recognise it, is it the new toy this year?
ELF: Its a super battleship
SANTA: Well, you know........

SCENE 4: L.A

Atisoo the terrorist knocks on the tower door, a guard arrives

ATISOO: Hello, I'm here for the party
GUARD: Really, do you have an invitation?
ATISOO: Yes
GUARD: Oh well in that case I will completely turn off all the security even though I don't know you and your clearly unbelievable story and let you in.
ATISOO: Thanks, can you look down so I can knock you unconscious?
GUARD: Of course, merry Christmas

#WHALLOP#

Enter DUSTY BIN LADEN and crew, they quickly seize the tower and various hostages including the mayor, many rich people and by an unlikely coincidence Lucrezia Noin, Zechs Merquise's girl friend

SCENE 5: ABOVE L.A

SANTA(new): Well, lets see, Mr Toonami, survey says....nice, lets go

The sleigh arcs toward the toonami towers, gently alighting on the roof. Santa heads for the stairs with his sack and heads down

SANTA: What's this?

He looks through a door into the meeting room, full of hostages

DUSTY: You are all my hostages, you will obey me....(pause for tension)..or die!
NOIN: You don't frighten me!
DUSTY: What, you YOU!..(spasms, hand twitches) THREE,TWO,ONE

ARRGHHH

ATISOO: Now look, you've set him off
DUSTY: (STILL TWITCHING) THREE,TWO,ONE..THREE,TWO,ONE...
ATISOO: Lets sit down boss
SANTA: I don't need to help, Noins got it sorted
DUSTY: I HATE THAT WOMEN, SHE...SHE.......HAS SILLY HAIR!

Zechs freezes, his pupils constrict, fists clench.

SANTA: Now its personal, I will destroy you all.
DUSTY: Non: descript lackey 5, go and check the roof
LACKEY: Yes oh your excellent dustiness
SANTA: So it begins

SCENE 6: THE ROOF

Lackey arrives, he looks around and sees the sleigh

LACKEY: Huh?

He doesn't see Santa, who smacks him about a bit

LACKEY: I'll get you!

runs at Santa, who ducks, grabs him and wraps a handy rope round his neck

SANTA: Take this!

He covers the lackey in tinsel from the sleigh and throws him off the edge, the rope arresting his fall.

ATISOO: LOOK, OUT THE WINDOW
DUSTY: WHAT THE!?
MAYOR: What is this?
NOIN: What an unusually festive death, I wonder........
DUSTY: Go find out what happened, and take guns!

SCENE 7: FLOOR 90

Three terrorists arrive and slowly spread out, the floor is full of sculptures and other modern art works, the baddies freeze as they here a jingling bell

BAD 1: What was that?
BAD2: I don't know
BAD3: I have a fantastic idea, let's split up!

They split and go off

Bad1 is disturbed by the jingling, closer now. He raises his gun and fires at a strange shape, he realises its a sculpture and relaxes, just when Santa jumps out behind him and garrottes him with an oversized stocking.

BAD2: Hey, who's there?

Santa again hides, stalking the prey. the baddie is now scared, Santa again jumps out and batters him with a Yule log. Suddenly, baddie3 rounds a corner and raises his gun, Santa grabs a candy cane out of his pocket at hurls it at the man, stabbing through his evil eye.

SCENE 8: THE HALL

DUSTY: Where are my minions?
ATISOO: I don't know

There is a thud on the stair well doors, they are opened to reveal the three dead baddies, dressed in elf hats, they also have a letter

ATISOO: It says ''you better watch out, you better not cry, you better not pout, Santa is coming to town P.T.O
DUSTY: I see, very interesting, who's P.T.O
ATISOO: There's more, on the other side it says we've been very naughty boys
DUSTY: I'm soooooo scared. Everybody knows Santa doesn't exist

Noin just smiles

DUSTY: Send more minions, blast him out!

SCENE 9: FLOOR 90

The minions arrive and see a small toy Santa walking towards them saying ''ho ho ho'' repeatedly

MINION: Ha, is that all!

The Santa stops

Outside a fat cop is eating a donut, he glances up at the tower just in time to see the 90th floor disappear in a fireball, after inhaling his donut he quickly calls everyone he knows

SCENE 10: THE ROOF

Santa looks in his sack

SANTA: Lets see if we can use anything in here, hmmm, oh, a chemistry set, might work. What else, errrrr a paint ball set, robot wars stuff, AK: 47.............AK: 47? ahhhh good old Beeebubba bo bob of Tennesee, aged six.

Santa departs, armed with various machine guns, grenades, and a flamethrower

Outside hundreds of police, army and F.B.I guys surround the building, including fat cop, hard cop and arrogant chief

CHIEF: What's going on?
FAT: Terrorists have taken the building but a mysterious man is fighting them
CHIEF: Who?
FAT: Errrr..............SANTA
CHIEF: What!!!!!!

SCENE 11: THE HALL

DUSTY: We should be safe here

There is a slight jingling sound

DUSTY: What the...........

Massive explosion, from the smoke emerges a heavily armed Santa

DUSTY: ...........................
SANTA: Tis the season to be BURIED!!

SANTA opens fire with guns and flamethrowers, grinning and quipping

SANTA: Baddies roasting on an open firrre
DUSTY: We must flee to our Russian Helicopters

Exit DUSTY and some semi-famous minions, the rest get roasted

MAYOR: Oh thank you Santa, you and your......weapons.....err, saved us!
ALL: Hooray!!!
SANTA: Wait! where's Noin?
TOONAMI: They went up to the roof

Santa departs to the roof

MAYOR: Well, he wasn't very merry
TOONAMI: Whatever you do don't forget to give him plenty of mince pies, don't upset the gun toting maniacal Santa, who is bizarrely blonde and not beardy or fat

SCENE 12: THE ROOF

Dusty and minions board three ex-Russian helicopter gunship and slowly take off, with Noin as a hostage

SANTA: Blast, they're airborne.

He see's his sleigh

SANTA: WAR, FAMINE, PESTILENCE, DEATH, NECROMANCER, DEATH WALKER, DEATH SCYTHE AND FLUFFY, COME!!!
The sleigh arrives, Santa gets on and gives chase


DUSTY: Soon we shall kill you
NOIN: Really?
DUSTY: Not yet though, it doesn't really serve us to keep you alive but we still won't commit to an actual time as this builds tension and a clever plot device

Santa's sleigh whizzes past camera, engines burning fiercely. The lead mecha deer, War, locks on to the slowest helicopter, its eyes cross on target and its nose glows red, Santa hits a button and a read laser fires from Wars nose slicing the helicopter in two. It hangs for a moment before a fireball consumes it.

DUSTY: WHAT!!!

The fireball dissipates to show the sleigh

DUSTY: DESTROY IT!!

The two remaining choppers swing around, guns blazing. Santa presses a button, and suddenly the side panels unfold revealing an arsenal of missiles and gattling guns

PILOT#2: Oh shi.................

The sleigh vaporises the second helicopter, Dusty and the last chopper tries to escape, with Santa in pursuit, blasting away randomly, after a really cool airborne chase with lots of fancy bits the helicopter hits a sign post and crashes near those famous L.A tarpits. Out crawl Noin, Atisoo, and of course Dusty. Santa lands nearby and slowly walks over.

ATISOO: I'm going to get you Santa!!!!!

Atisoo pulls out a gun and desperately fiddles with it, Santa slowly gets closer, drawing a genuine U.S cavalry sabre (much like the one I recently acquired) Atisoo is still fumbling, Santa approaches, Atisoo finally loads the gun, lifts it, but is too late to prevent Santa slicing him two

DUSTY: Freeze TINKY BELL!

Dusty is holding a gun to Noins head

DUSTY: Loose the knife boy!

Santa throws the sword aside, watching Dusty

DUSTY: And now, DIE!

As Dusty moves the gun, Noin swings her head, momentarily blinding Dusty with her hair, she moves away just as Santa grabs the Sabre and throws it at Dusty, impaling him

SANTA: Nice moves Noin
NOIN: Thanks......errr, Santa?
SANTA: Everyone needs a job!
NOIN: What happened to that French job
SANTA: ...(PAUSE)....Let us never speak of it again

They turn to leave when Dusty jumps back up despite the mortal wound. Noin responds by bitch-slapping him right up to the tar pits

NOIN: Time to go home!

She slaps him into the pit, where he slowly sinks

DUSTY: NOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!

Santa and Noin watch him. As he sinks his hand twitches uncontrollably

DUSTY: THREE, TWO,ONE...THREE, TWO, ONE....THREE, TWO....(GLURP)
NOIN: Finally
SANTA: What do you mean, time to go home?
NOIN: You know, like the slime pit, and him being a slime ball. you know. slime

Dusty suddenly emerges from the pit, covered in tar

DUSTY: Must destroy....must destroooooyyyyy

Santa lights a match and in a really cool slow motion sequence throws it at Dusty, igniting the tar pit in a vastly expensive fireball

SANTA: Wanna lift?
NOIN: (looks at the growing fireball) Yeah, sure

EPILOGUE

SANTA(old): I'm feeling much better you know
ZECHS: Oh?
SANTA: So its probably best if I take over again next year
ZECHS: Really
SANTA: You did a good job and all, but errr.....

(on T.V) REPORTER: Down town L.A. is still an inferno in this, the fourth day of what is being called the hell fire....

Noin turns T.V off. There is a moment of awkward silence

ZECHS: Perhaps being Santa isn't my calling
SANTA: No, no. Perhaps something less seasonal?
ZECHS: Yes, of course. Thank you Santa, but I must leave
SANTA: (RELIEVED) Oh dear. please write

As Zechs and Noin leave the whole of Santa's staff let out a deep breath

SANTA: Well at least that's over

Suddenly the air is full of helicopters, on them is written L.A.P.D, and in them is all the gun crazy L.A cops the mayor could find

SANTA: I have a bad feeling about this

THE END

generalegood@pobice.co.uk