From: General E Good, Earth Force Command

THE GENERALS NEW JOB

Well it had to happen sometime, the sick businessman appears to be no more, whether he is or not is another question. Any way this put me out of a job, so here is what happens next:

SCENE 1: THE GENERALS HOME

We open to see the general fast asleep, happy after the businessman’s demise. An alarm sounds from his clock.

GENERAL: Oh, three in the afternoon already...never mind (back to sleep)
(A voice from elsewhere shouts ''Hey!')
GENERAL: Aw come off it Jenny, I'm tired
(In walks JENNIFER LOVE: HEWITT)
JENNY: You haven't left the house in a week
GENERAL: I'm celebrating sickos demise
JENNY: No, your lounging about and letting me and my massive fortune support you, and quit using my shampoo!
GENERAL: You've got enough of the stuff to last until Al Gore becomes president!
JENNY: Your missing the point, you need...(DRAMATIC PAUSE)...a JOB!

(SADDAM HUSSEIN IS SITTING DOWN TO DINNER WHEN HE HEARS A DISTANT SCREAM)

JENNY: Its not that bad! It’s only a job!
GENERAL: But, but its...well its...work?
JENNY: Get a job or else...
GENERAL: But I can't get a job, I'm a General, I have minions for that stuff
JENNY: You wanna fight me? Remember all those vicious psycho killers I got?
GENERAL: But, but, can I just start a war?

(Jenny glares at him)

SCENE 2: A STREET

(The General is walking with his faithful minion Alan)

GENERAL: So I need a job
ALAN: What are you gonna do?
GENERAL: Obvious, I'll lie my way out of it
ALAN: How?
GENERAL: I have a cunning plan..........

SCENE 3: POBICE THE GOBLINS MANSION

(Pobice and his assistant Bob are doing some internet stuff)

POBICE: And that’s how we turn Bill Gates into a newt.

(Enter the General)

GENERAL: Greetings Pobice
POB: Hail General, what brings you here?
BOB: Are you the cleaner?
GENERAL: No FOOL!
POB: Would you like to be?
GENERAL: What? No, I want you to give me a job

(Saddam Hussein is once again disturbed by a distant sound, this time laughter)

POB: Sorry, Go on
GENERAL: I come in every few days and you give me money
POB: I don't get it
GENERAL: That way Jenny thinks I have a job but I don't have to actually work!
POB: And what’s in it for me?
GENERAL: Err, a shiny penny!
BOB: Don't do it! He’s lying!
POB: And what else?
GENERAL: Besides this very shiny penny?
POB: Yep
GENERAL: Err, oh..The agreement is satisfactory
POB: No it isn't
GENERAL: Yes...it is
POB: No
GENERAL: That bloke said this Jedi crap works every time!
POB: Last chance...
GENERAL: Errr, a warm feeling of charity and helping others?

SCENE 4: THE STREET

ALAN: So no joy?
GENERAL: No (dusting himself off)
ALAN: Guess that means plan B
GENERAL: Yes, a simple not hard job
ALAN: Any thoughts?
GENERAL: Maybe...

SCENE 5: AN OFFICE

GENERAL: So, am I in?
SECRETARY: Yes, welcome to the spook busters
GENERAL: Great, can I have some money?
SECRETARY: First, bust a spook at this address
GENERAL: Got it!

SCENE 6: POBICE APARTMENTS

POB: And that’s how we know where the chocolate dimension is
BOB: Wow, wait, do you hear a squishing sound?

(Enter the General, covered in slime)

GENERAL: I will do any job you have, as long as ghosts aren't involved
POB: Actually a job just came up in my new entertainment empire...

SCENE 7: AN ARENA

ALAN: And welcome to robot skirmish!
GENERAL: That’s right, err...the biggest fight since.... ever?
ALAN: Yeah, well lets get it on!
GENERAL: The first match between on the blue side: tin pot!
ALAN: Yeah, built from tin cans and batteries with a garden shear as main weapon
GENERAL: And in the red corner, the Pob machine!
ALAN: That’s right, a modified ............Churchill tank
GENERAL: Ah balls, I bet the last of the advert money on tin pot!

(The fight, such as it is, was rather one sided, a home made robot versus a 40 ton tank)

ALAN: So, that was quick, any comments General?
GENERAL: I'm destitute, broke, ruined!
ALAN: Well, that’s all for tonight, crap fight: crap NIGHT!

AFTER THE SHOW

GENERAL: I don't think I'm a good commentator
POB: Don't worry, I just branched out on a new version of robot skirmish using my massive resources, it’s much bigger and I think you could be part of it
GENERAL: More commentating?
POB: Not exactly...

SCENE 8: A DESERT

ALAN: Welcome to mega fight!
BOB: That’s right, our first programme! What do we have today?
ALAN: Our first match is a killer, literally!
BOB: You mean...
ALAN: YES! ITS MURDERING MURPHY V KILLER CARROLL!
BOB: WOW! How can we afford it!
ALAN: Pob bribed the prison guards
BOB: Lets go Arena side with our referee

ARENA

GENERAL: I still don't see why we need all this space
BOB: Hey General!
GENERAL: Oh right, err, I want a clean fight
(Much sniggering)
GENERAL: Oh just do it!

(The combatants retire to their corners, and find a pair of Helicopter gunship)

ALAN: Murphy has the Apache Helicopter, Carroll the Russian Havoc
GENERAL: What the...
POB: Let the games BEGIN!

(The helicopters take off and circle each other)

ALAN: Lets see some stats here, the havocs faster but apache is tougher
GENERAL: How the hell do I referee this
POB: Commence NUKING

(The helicopters close in and fire a couple of missiles, the havoc dodges, but Murphy ain't so lucky)

ALAN: WHOAH!
BOB: What a fireball!
GENERAL: Bloody hell.........
ALAN: More after the break!
DIRECTOR: And cut!
ALAN: Well that was new
GENERAL: I have a bad feeling where this is going
BOB: Well Pobs going in himself next
GENERAL: To fight?
BOB: Yeah, so remember that wage slip ref
DIRECTOR: And we're back
ALAN: Our next match see's Pobice himself fight a mystery opponent
BOB: Lets go ringside
GENERAL: I don't care what happens, I'm going to hide
POB: So there are no rules?
GENERAL: (as he runs for cover) Whatever!
ALAN: And his mystery opponent is...BILL GATES
BOB: Both sides will be using Thunderbolt Starfury fighters

(Pob gets in his plane and takes off)

GENERAL: BEGIN!

(Bill switches on his plane)

COMPUTER: Thank you for installing Windows at war
BILL: Ah crap
COMPUTER: Error caused by on button

(Pobs plane swoops over and destroys the still grounded opposition)

ALAN: WHOAH! WIPEOUT!
BOB: I agree
ALAN: Well we'll have more carnage next week, until then, be careful what you sign!

SCENE 10: THE POBICE ARENA

ALAN: First up its 80s tv war
BOB: Knight rider V the A: Team
ALAN: The Knightrider has his car, and we left the A: Team with a chevy and some tools in a shed, lets see what they have
BOB: Well its the same car but with a huge gun on the back
GENERAL: O.K, do this thing
(Both cars move to their corners)
POB: BEGIN!

(The knightrider races forward, A: Team do not move but the gun muzzle begins glowing, when the knightrider is almost on top of them the gun fires a red beam, disintegrating the knightrider and a good portion of the stadium)

ALAN: WHOAH
BOB: What he said
GENERAL: NEXT
ALAN: This is the grudge match, George W Bush in the rebel speeder V Al Gore in the Imperial Walker
BOB: And it will be...WAIT, WHATS THAT!
ALAN: Its like a 50 foot tall medieval knight in armour...and a referee shirt
GENERAL: O.K, Pob gave me his latest robot battle armour because this can get serious. Now get to it!

(The battle begins, Al blasts with his guns but George is too fast, he tries to wrap a wire round the walkers legs but Al isn't moving so doesn't trip. The battle degenerates into a boring stand off)

ALAN: This isn't what we want
BOB: Lets tap into the comm. system, see what they're saying
ALAN: Hear what they're saying
BOB: Shut up

(Over the stadium speakers we hear the challengers)

AL: Florida was mine you inbred redneck!
GEORGE: Your policies were economically unsustainable!
AL: YEAH! WELL YOUR BUDGETS BOLLOCKS!
GEORGE: SO IS YOUR HEAD!
AL: At least I don't have daddy telling me where Iraq is!
GENERAL: Get on with it!

(Another 5 minutes of lame insults follow, until George crashes into an ice cream stand because he was trying to think of a long word instead of flying)

ALAN: Well Al Gore is the Winner I suppose
BOB: Wait, what’s the ref doing?

(The Armour draws a 40 feet long battle-axe)

GENERAL: This was a waste; we could have killed dozens in this time!

(He swings the axe and destroys the walker)

ALAN: WHAOH!
BOB: YEAH!
ALAN: What a shock ending!
BOB: The crowd and the Clintons love it!
ALAN: This could lead to a real development!

SCENE 11: POBICE LAND

POB: So that’s how to take over Russia and become Emperor
BOB: I see
GENERAL: You wished to see me Majesty
POB: Ah yes, the crowd loved you yesterday, i think it should be a regular fixture
GENERAL: Very well, do I get paid?
POB: Here
GENERAL: When I said paid, I meant money, not a map
POB: That map is the land you now rule, Manchuria
GENERAL: Aaaahhhh, I see, please excuse me

(Exit General)
(Saddam Hussein is wowing friends by balancing a table on his chin when he is disturbed by a loud shout of 'yippee'' from Russia, causing great pain and humiliation)

SCENE 12: THE ARENA

ALAN: Today we have the first official fight of the general
BOB: That’s right, lets go straight to the fight
ALAN: And here he comes in the patented Pobice battle armour
(Crowd cheers and chants ''Maximus!'')
BOB: But who is his opponent?

(Enter another patented Pobice battle armour, but with flowing black hair)

BOB: Oh no! It’s the Co'op funeral director!
DIRECTOR: (On loud speaker) Hey General! Your goanna die!
GENERAL: Where’s that damn script.... (Sound of rustling paper)...oh right, err you are all talk you have. Not got any hope
DIRECTOR: Prove it you big.
GENERAL: (Quietly) Next page
DIRECTOR: Oh, yeah...Fool., prove it you......
GENERAL: Yeah I think the mob got it
POB: BEGIN!

(They fighters draw swords and raise shields, they approach and begin battling, after an exciting few minutes they back off)

DIRECTOR: You are pathetic, I'm going.... To demate, wait, err demote you. To private. Laugh maniacally. Oh wait, mwahahahahah!!!
GENERAL: I am not worried, you can't beat an....where’s the rest of the damn page!, oh stuff it, its been ten minutes, do it!

(The Director suddenly wobbles and falls over)

ALAN: WHOAH!
BOB: Get a new lineman!
ALAN: But the General used his psychic Jedi powers!
DIRECTOR: Oh. No, his powers have sapped. My will to fight. On.
CROWD: MAXIMUS! MAXIMUS!
BOB: Its over!

(Pob walks on to pitch and hands over envelopes to each fighter)

POB: Nice moves
ALAN: There’s more tomorrow! Only on the Pobice network!

LATER

POB: An excellent performance, the crowd loves the violence
BOB: Indeed, the global ratings were enormous, it is the best show on TV
POB: I feel a diabolical plan coming on
BOB: Shall I get the cream?

SCENE 13: GENERALS NEW MANSION

JENNY: Okay, I admit I am very surprised
GENERAL: Well I always said this was a good idea
JENNY: When?
GENERAL: Well, you know, errr

(Doorbell rings)

GENERAL: Ahhhh, Alan answer the diversion, err I mean door
ALAN: Its Bob

(Bob limps in)

GENERAL: What happened to you?
BOB: I offended his Excellency, but to business, he sends a proposition
GENERAL: Go on
BOB: The emperor Pobice is setting up the tournament to end them all
GENERAL: I see
BOB: You will fight a mystery opponent to the bitter end
GENERAL: To the death?
BOB: No, don't be daft: heres the script
GENERAL: So I suppose I have to do more talk shows for publicity
BOB: Starting today

SCENE 14: A CHAT SHOW

HOST: So here's your quick questions General
GENERAL: Do it
HOST: What do you have for breakfast?
GENERAL: Quail and Doves
HOST: What is your favourite colour?
GENERAL: Gold, the colour of money
HOST: Would you rescue a puppy from a burning building?
GENERAL: Of course I would, I'm a great humanitarian. Well what I mean is I'd send my minion Alan to do it
HOST: Would you then rescue a drowning man?
GENERAL: Of course, I would happily risk *cough*someone else’s*cough* life and limb to help
HOST: How kind of you
GENERAL: No sacrifice is too great for someone else to make instead of me
HOST: Where do you go on dates?
GENERAL: Anywhere I want, well actually it depends where Alan drives us
HOST: Do you watch TV movies?
GENERAL: No, unfortunately Alan can't balance the T.V that long
HOST: I hear you paint
GENERAL: I am actually quite handy with a brush, not only have I sold many of my paintings for lots of money but my living room looks like the cistine chapel
HOST: I'm impressed
GENERAL: Well technically Alan holds the brush, and moves it around on the paper, but I do the rest
HOST: What rest?
GENERAL: The exploitation of course
HOST: Well that’s all, I'm sure we'll all watch the tournament tomorrow

SCENE 15: THE FIGHT DAY

BOB: Well first before the big fight we have a warm up
ALAN: That’s right, anyone familiar with the website will know of Clarky and of Galloway the beast
BOB: Well now they're gonna settle their differences the old way: WITH VIOLENCE
ALAN: Lets go ring side with our star and referee: The General!

(In Arena)

GENERAL: Right, you'll find weapons dotted around the Arena, if you reach you use them, if you reach them
ALAN: The fighters have no machines, but access to weapons like grenade launchers, flamethrowers and pulse rifles among other things
GENERAL: To your corners!
POBICE: BEGIN!

(Clarky quickly runs for nearest weapon, a shotgun. Galloway finds a large stick)

CLARKY: NOW YOU GONNA GET IT!
(However shotgun not loaded)
CLARKY: Expletive!

(Galloway hits him with stick)

GALLOWAY: Feel my wrath!

(Clarky ignores his feeble efforts)

ALAN: This fight could go any way!
GALLOWAY: Wrath! wrath! wrath!
BOB: Clarky needs some ammunition quick
ALAN: And it looks like Galloway is after a new weapon

(Galloway picks up a flamethrower, Clarky a lighter)

ALAN: This is a stand: off!
BOB: If Clarky runs he's toast, but if he stays up close Galloway can't flame him
CLARKY: Give it up fat boy
GALLOWAY: I have one last trick...

(Galloway belches)

BOB: WHOAH!
ALAN: AH HELL!

(Clarky begins to fall back, blinded and suffocating)

GALLOWAY: Now you’re mine!

(Galloway raises flamethrower, but Clarky flips open lighter)

CLARKY: See you in hell!

(USES LIGHTER, MASSIVE EXPLOSION)

BOB: WHOAH!!!!!!!
ALAN: He ignited the toxic fumes of Galloway’s breath!
GENERAL: Fair fight!
ALAN: What a start to the day
BOB: Next up, the General faces a powerful mystery opponent

SCENE 16: POBICES IMPERIAL BOX

POB: Ahhhh General, welcome
GENERAL: What is it Emperor?
POB: Meet your opponent

(Enter............the Sick Businessman!)

GENERAL: An interesting plot twist
SICKO: That’s right, I'm not dead
GENERAL: I wouldn't be too hasty
POB: Now now, save it for the ring
GENERAL: So how will this work?
POB: The harder you fight, the more you get paid
GENERAL: Hence the big totaliser board
POB: And when you have fought enough, fight to the death
SICKO: We didn't discuss that!
POB: Quiet Waldo!
SICKO: We agreed never to use my real name!
POB: Go now, fight well and die spectacularly, ratings are important here

SCENE 17: ETERNAL BATTLE

ALAN: And now the greatest show on Earth!
BOB: The greatest grudge match ever!
ALAN: A cloned Sicko against the General
BOB: Sicko died?
ALAN: I think so
BOB: When?
ALAN: Not important
BOB: Any way the fighters are on the field, both in upgraded Patented Pobice battle armour, which includes rocket engines and a gladiator skirt.

(The two 50 foot tall knights walk on field and face off)

ALAN: The Generals armour has the now famous war eagle emblem painted on
BOB: And Sicko’s has a cake, a half eaten cake
ALAN: Very symbolic, wait, here's the Emperor
POB: Begin the games!

(The battle starts, both armours exchange sword strokes, block with shields, a little bit of hair pulling going on as well)

SICKO: Now, script, err.... HEY, General. We will. Rock. You
GENERAL: Talk is cheap!
SICKO: YES! Especially with Pobice phone lines
GENERAL: That’s right!
SICKO: Where can I get. ...Them
GENERAL: They are available...wait a minute, something wrong with insults
SICKO: Go to page two
GENERAL: Right, Now Sicko. I will ease. Lily, errr easily defeat you. Pick him up and throw him while laughing. Oh wait! ahh crap!
SICKO: Now it looks like we're just reading a script

(Sicko gets thrown to other end of field)

SICKO: Now I'll get you!

(Sicko picks up the A teams huge gun from a prior round)

GENERAL: Oh Hell (uses rocket pack to dodge Sicko’s fire)

SICKO: You can't run. Forever. Cackle, oh ack ack ack arrrrr!

(The General swoops in and disarms Sicko, punching his armour, as it flies across the stadium it drops its wallet)

BOB: Looks like Sicko’s wallet!
ALAN: That’s insane! It’s obviously a plant
BOB: But he dropped it!
ALAN: Its 5 Feet Square!
BOB: It’s for when he's in the armour!
ALAN: What the bloody hell does it need it for!
BOB: For when’s he shopping of course?
ALAN: Show me one cash point that takes cards that bloody size!
BOB: Well. Err... look, the Generals looking inside it
GENERAL: This is your membership card for the ramblers association
SICKO: So?
GENERAL: Teletubbies application form
SICKO: I was drunk that night
GENERAL: Big gay Al's night club ticket
SICKO: Really really drunk
GENERAL: Totalizers still not at a billion yet, keep fighting
(Fight continues for another 15 minutes)
SICKO: Right, time for stage two
GENERAL: Yeah, you impersonate Captain Kirk, I'll do Picard
SICKO: So youuuu THINK you can......defEAT me, do you!
GENERAL: I shall....make it so
SICKO: I dont....FRIGHTen.thaaaaat easily, ask mister...................................spock
GENERAL: Kill you, I shall make it so
SICKO: not.....unlessIcankillyoubefore you cankill...................mmmmmmee
GENERAL: HA....make it so....damn this is lame
SICKO: Not........ forme.....SPOOOOOCKKKKKK!!!!!!!!!
GENERAL: Shall we end this
SICKO: Onnnnnnnnnly if I can WRITE books and.................stufffffffff
GENERAL: You can quit the impressions
SICKO: But I.AM.SOOOO GOOD AT IT!
GENERAL: I must break you

(fight continues)

SICKO: i will HAVE! to use myyyyyy years of..............experience
ALAN: I think he really thinks he is Captain Kirk
BOB: What a development!
ALAN: Anything could happen!
(The fighters retire to their corners and rearm)
POB: The totalizers done, end this
(The fighters return to the ring, dramatic music begins)
SICKO: AHHHHHHHH, GenERALL, my olddddd.....friend, your almost like SPOCK!
ALAN: Is he gonna.....
BOB: I think he is
SICKO: This reminds me of the time I battled SPOCCCKKKKKK! on........VulcaN
GENERAL: Don't........
SICKO: DADADAAADAAADAAADAAADADADADAAAAADAAAA!
GENERAL: Must destroy.......
BOB: Sicko is singing!

(SICKO lifts a big axe, as does the GENERAL)

POB: Excellent

(The two knights ignite rockets and fly at each other, at the last moment the General pulls up and swings his axe, Sicko's armour is hit and crashes into the audience)

BOB: WHAAAAAAAAAAAOOOOOOOOOOOOO
ALAN: Indeed
GENERAL: So it ends
ALAN: Join us next time on the Pobice network. GOOOOODNIGHT!

SCENE 18: AFTERMATH

POB: Excellent performance! Heres your money
GENERAL: That was so satisfying; I'd have done it for free
POB: Well in that case.....
GENERAL: Did I say remove the money! I don't think so!
POB: Okay, okay. And here's yours Sicko
GENERAL: WHAT!
SICKO: Like to know how I survived?
GENERAL: Yes
POB: Tell him later, take your pay
SICKO: This is more money than I've ever had, but where to spend it...
POB: Well there’s a Pobice pies vendor over there
GENERAL: He isn't gonna go for that, right Sicko...sicko?

(GENERAL stares at dust cloud in Sickos shape)

GENERAL: I underestimated him. No, no I really didn't
POB: Well, same time next week?
GENERAL: See you then

SCENE 19

GENERAL: I'm home, and I bought you some shampoo
JENNY: Oh, just what I needed
GENERAL: And a hat
JENNY: It says ''I'm with the guy dragging the massive ego''
GENERAL: That’s me by the way
JENNY: I guessed
GENERAL: Oh, and I also got you a solid gold car the size of a yacht
JENNY: WOW!
GENERAL: It comes with its own Oil Company, most of Asia is in poverty because of it
JENNY: You’re the greatest!
GENERAL: The greatest man in the world huh...yes.........I am, YES I AM!

The scene ends with a grand orchestra and choir singing the Generals praises

And the moral of the story: 

IF YOUR GOING TO HAVE DELUSIONS, YOU MAY AS WELL GO FOR THE REALLY SATISFYING ONES

PLEASE NOTE THE NEW EMAIL ADDRESS AS THE OLD ONE NO LONGER WORKS!

generalegood@pobice.co.uk