September 2001

Businessman fades out of unconciousness and sees a young gangly shaped nurse taking blood from him, and another doctor face covered by a surgical mask but with very long hair and the distinct smell of a fungal related vegeterian snack,as he turns his head to the right he notices imprints on the back of the nurse resembling the platform of a 18inch Black and White CXG1 Toshiba made in 1965.

Businessman then goes back to sleep

(CRASHING SOUND)

Nurse: Ooops I dropped the tray witht the Dale Winton, William Shatner and Businessman blood
Doctor: Oh well just try and mop it up and put it back in the tubes, it'll make no difference.

(BUSINESSMAN WAKES UP)

Oh I'm stuck here in a strange hospital. Damn my luck! And the only way to sneak my reports out is by carrier pigeon, and not a carrier flying donkey or toucan, which would be more surreal and funnier for this report (Damn my luck!). Anyway I've been shot twice and am damn angry about it and the other undoubted conspiracies that I believe to be waged against me. So I have been scheming my vengeance uponst the possible suspects and come up with the most devilish plans...

1. Ball Cock: An undoubtedly likely suspect as of his obvious loathing towards me which was proven to me resolutely by me purchasing food items at a well known food outlet where he worked and when I got home I discovered that a bag of salt and vinegar crisps I had bought to reward myself for completing another week without doing any work where crushed CRUSHED! No doubt in a fit of rage Ball cock had sneakily crushed my beloved crisps out of his evilness. So I obviously would suspect him off shooting me.
   
   Thus I devised a cunning plan to thwart this man if indeed he is found to be the culprit by clinical concrete evidence or by him looking at me funny when I come back.
   
   My plan is to go to unnamed food outlet and put tonnes of items in my trolley the heavier the better and especially pick the ones with no price on and tippex out the barcodes on others. Then go to his checkout he will suffer great discomfort in pushing all these items down the conveyer belt and ringing the bell for the man (or woman not here to judge) to tell him the prices. Once all the items are through I will "run" away leaving him to put all the items back causing more strain to his bones and muscles in particular biceps and triceps and the fifth and forth vertebrae.
   
   Then when he goes home he will be tired and disheartened and want to get something to eat probably that can of peaches in the larder. But no! He will not be able to open it as his fingernails are worn away from the bell pushing and he has no strength from the varied items being rushed through so he will starve hahahhhahaahahahahaha VENGENCE WOULD THEN BE MINE.
   
   But I'm NOT SURE HE DID IT YET
   
   
2. Pobice: His motive is quite simple. MONEY! Namely the ad money, which he embezzles sneakily and gives us none of it. No doubt suspecting I was about to discover the money he shot me so he should keep it to himself and he could buy all the trees he could ever want to hug.
   
   Knowing Pobice has a rabid hatred for pop music (except of course of the work of Shakin' Steven's and any fat elbowed performers). Thus I will entrap him into my Lair of Doom by a trail of tofu breadcrumbs. I then will then tie him to a chair and stick him in front of a telly continually showing Britany spears videos this of course will be torture enough you might think, but to make my revenge even greater at intervals I will put in front of him a picture of Christina Agulera and give him a comb. Over at matter of weeks he will believe this picture to be a mirror and himself to be Christina Agulera; this will be more cemented by his hatred of Spears. So I create him into everything he despises. And he ends up vainly trying to seduce anything in short trousers, thus I sneakily hire a bunch of short trouser wearing boxers to stand outside his house. Once Pobice advances on them he will be beaten up hahaahaaahha, and probably taken out to the West End by one so it's not all bad.
   
   
3. Clarky 1: Clarky's reasons are to get me out so he can take my job. Clarky 1 is a disgusting loud mouth bore who is crass and common in everyway. So I will successfully enter him for Big Brother. As a result of this the media will want him straight away and he will get money for going on crappy yoof shows and doing adverts for Michelin. The paparazzi will also constantly want to take photos of him. This is where my plan comes in to its geniusness. As Clarky comes home from an Indian meal bought by his ill gotten gains the paparazzi will take pictures of him (wide lens) the flashes will disorientate him and blind him, then no doubt the curry will have passed right through his digestion system and he will proceed to his outhouse to egest, but has he his blinded he will not notice that I will have replaced his pile of Sunday Sport by the bog with Jack Russell superglue coated barbed wire. The rest I will leave to your imagination.
   
   
4. Clarky 2: Is more or less the same as Clarky 1 so I will use the same Big Brother plan but instead of the barbed wire which will fail (remember the old joke where someone would say, "What hand to you wipe your arse with? And someone would say "Right" and the other person would snigger and say "Really I use toilet paper" Well with Clarky 2 "Right" is his legitimate answer.)
   
   So in order to punish him I will bankrupt him by revealing all his sordid secrets to the Fleet Street rags, The Sun, Daily Star and Telegraph. He will most certainly try and sue me for libel as he has the well-known gene mutation known as "Archerusgerbiliomia". And surely fail will he. Making him destitute and without the money to buy his beloved stepladders and special monthly publications. So he is forced to dance! HA! Dance for scraps of food down in Osset (they're not tight there just hard to impress).
   
   
5. S Club 7: Mad with my great and so far very successful crusade to improve the charts by belittling pop groups with my intelligent argument to quote "They are crap" and "They smell of wee", also with my new top Mexican thrash metal dance band "El Buerro Acapulco" about to assault the charts with the certain number 1 "Anderlay anderlay arriba arriba smack my bitch up freestyler". They would probably all put there heads together to think of a plan to thwart me and come up with copying someone else but doing it with a bit of a faster beat so they copied no doubt a crappy soap and shot me no doubt out of there mind on drugs (marahaja, calpol and lempsip plus etc.).
   
   So to avenge I will break their band up by setting them off one another telling Jo that Bradley says she like to impale caterpillars and telling Bradley that Jo said he likes to dress up as Ginger Rodgers and assault acupuncturists with big knives stuck in the rectum And telling Rachel that Jon thinks she eats vast quantities of dog food in particularly chicken and marrowbone jelly. And telling Jon that Rachel thinks he is a completely sad worthless talent less bastard who is wetter than lettuce anchored to the bottom of the pacific injected with water and watered everyday. Such things will make them break up and they will become poor and have to go and work. Ending up the later years of their life moaning about there past pop career opening dog biscuit factories, ending up on the 37th series of Never mind the Buzzcocks in the identity parade being laughed at and mocked, and also going around the working mans' clubs of England reforming their own S Club 7 band but with a load of different members some from other crappy bands of the period.
   
   
6. General E Good: No doubt is jealous of the great fame I have and the fact that I was made Executive Writer and he is a lowly common writer, combing his hair, pretending he never went to school, saying, "WHAT?!" instead of, "pardon?" So in order to take over my life he had to get rid of me first. My vengenceness will begin by attacking the thing he holds most dear (no not that) yet without him knowing it as I will make him completely unattrc...oh well he is I will make him poor...oh he is I'll make him smell off...oh he does erm I'll just make him insan...ermm oh I'll just call Willow a hag and Babylon 5 crap that'll sort him.
   
   

Oooh wait a minute I'm passing out...

(FANCY DREAM SEQUENCE)
(BUSINESSMAN APPORCHES SINK IN ROOM, RINSES FACE AND LOOKS IN MIRROR TO SEE THE GENERAL STARING BACK AT HIM)

General: You know where a lot alike you and me.
Businessman: What we both like Imperial Leather soap?
General: No! The stuff about us being dead hard and in control.
Businessman: Erm...welllllll.
General: (whispers) Just agree it makes us both look good.
Businessman: Yes I'm hard. And I don't have to worry about you I've dealt with you!
General: I don't think it's over yet.

(SHOOTS BUSINESSMAN)
(BUSINESSMAN AWAKES IN HIS BED)

Businessman: Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaarggggghhhhhhh! Oh nurse I had a horrible nightmare I'm glad it's over.
Nurse: Or is it?

(NURSE TURNS AROUND TO REVEAL IT'S THE GENERAL! AND BEGINS TO STRANGLE BUSINESSMAN)
(BUSINESSMAN AWAKES)

Businessman: Chokecoughflremaaaaarggghhhhhhhhooo oorghhhhhhhhhhhhhhhghhh! Oh ...oh it's all over......

(GENERAL BURSTS OUT OF BUSINESSMANS CHEST)

General: Or is it? HAHAHAAHHAAH!
Businessman: AAAARRRRRTGGGGGGHHHHHHHHEEEEEEEE EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEKKKKCAH!

(BUSINESSMAN AWAKES)

Businessman: Oh these nightmares are just too much.
Nurse Buffy: Do you want me to make it better for you?
Businessman : Why yes my dear what shall we do first?
Nurse Buffy: RING RING RING RING
Businessman: Eh? A bit kinky but.......

(BUSINESSMAN AWAKES TO RINGING ALARM CLOCK)

Businessman: DAMN! I bet the dreams are really over now.

(BUSINESSMAN NOTICES SHUFFLING UNDER DUVET)

Businessman: What the?

(BUSINESSMAN UNRAVELS DUVET TO REVEAL............. WILLOW!)

Businessman: AAAAAAAAAARGHHHHHHHHHHH HHHHHHHPPHHHHHHHPHHUUUUIIIIIUIQOHFA OHFAHDJSHJKJAQUACKDAMNGHJJJJJASOQWER OOOOOOOOOOOOOOHHHHHAAARGHHHHHEEEE EEEFFFFFLLLULLLMHOWLLLLLLLLLLLLLWWWWWLLLLLLL

(BUSINESSMAN AWAKES AND RUSHES TO SINK)

Businessman: AAAAARGH! UNCLEAN! UNCLEAN!

(42 HOURS OF SCRUBBING LATER)

Well now back to my vengeance plans......

7. Patrick: Top writer from Radcliffe fame needing a little extra to boost his material shoots me to be able to obtain my best material all two words/eight letters of it, and my frequent use of the word damn without being sued. If this appears to be the case then I will wreak great mad vengeance, which is really complicated and intertwined, or I'll just pee in his tea (or coffee I'm not here to judge)
   
   
8. Swastika 666: From his rants and chatting I can conclude he his a softie liberal and consistently sits on the fence about key issues. Yet disagreeing with my more "radical" ideas he shot me so to stop him being put out of work. The evidence is quite damning as I was shot twice an indication that the century Swastika couldn't decide on the one place to shoot me so he shot me twice.
   
   So the quite simple solution is to make his brain explode by flummoxing with several decisions, and nothing is more cutting and confusing than a tea party! It makes a meeting of the UN look trivial. He will wretch in horror as he has to decide between my wide range of pies and exceedingly good cakes. " One sugar or two?" , "Lemon or cream?" Such questions would be simple for a normal person like me. But for the twisted mind of this middley liberal it will be a nightmare and impulses will be running all around his cerebral cortex and cerebellum (yes I took A-level Biology aha!). By the time I get to "Shall we watch Esther or Countdown?"
   
   His deprived equator like mind will be on overload and it will most certainly explode as not only will the decision be difficult, but additionally deep in his subconscious he will be working out who he fancies most Esther or Carol (or Richard, I am not here to judge, no just here to cause his brain to eject out of his head.) But it all relies on whether he shot me of course.
   
   
9. Neff the Garden Gnome: Neff making it quite clear he is desperate to be part of the very elite and posh P Team. Going so far to try and rig the results. So who knows how much further he could go/ Maybe shoot me?!
   
   If this is the case, then vengeance is at hand! And do I have something for him! Neff likes his oh so clever name so much so lets us make him what he wants to be a gnome! But to really mess his mind I will sneakily do it over a period of several days/months/years. Firstly in the sixth form I will force him into A-Level music and slowly cause his voice to become really high and squeaky by making him sing Bee Gees e.g. "Staying Alive" and "How deep is your love" and Mariah Carey dolphin like squeaks such as "Eeeeeeeeeeekooorhhhhhhhaaah" and " squeakequesolongandthanksforallthefisheeekkkkkjuuruue"
   
   Then at his university (Bradford) I will commence the next part the making his ears long . This I will do by training two spiders to attach webs to his ears at night and stretch his ears, over his time at university from Freshers week to him quitting to join a bunch of travellers two weeks later. This will obviously mean he dresses in a daft bandanna and big gold earrings but not a funny gnome hat and curly shoes so I would have to change the whole fashion to make him wear them then when he finally meets a woman (or man/ladyboy/dolphin I'm not here to judge) that he wants to marry I will engineer his stag night to end up into the unfortunate supergluing of his hands to a fishing rod a hat to his head and a whole gnome suit.
   
   Then I will perform the final stage of the plan; attracting him to the local pond by cleverly impersonating the voice of the General (which involves helium and gravel inhalation) telling him that's where to collect his giro. Once there I disguised as the General (suit ;Oxfam 50p tie; B&Q 33p, shoes Hobo; "free") will ask him to take a seat on a stone and sneakily get a up and coming dancer to weld him to the stone whilst I distract him by throwing his beloved giro in the pond so he then goes and fishes for it in the pond. Then there he will stay forever as a gnome and people will walk past him and laugh and laugh some more and throw things and graffiti on him their favourite bands, political messages and profanities.
   
   
10. George W Bush: No doubt desperately depressed and disheartened by my most clever cutting rants he could have found the nerve to shoot me as he himself is a crazy gun loving nut case (allegedly/in my own opinion not influencing anyone else's or making a full blown statement).
    
    So if he did it will be very hard to get Georgey, so the way to get him is to destroy him the same way other presidents have failed. I first will plant on him some stolen tapes, and they'll be really bad to discredit him rappers, poppers, Mexican nu-metal bands. I also will frame him into having an affair with a model, by causing a dispute in the Middle East then asking Bush if he will enter Jordan. He of course will say "Yes" this will then be twisted and sent to the papers to cause an affair scandal with page 3 stars and part-time airbag Jordan. Discrediting him more and he'll get impeached and thrown out and then the revolution will occur and I will become King of the world !!!!!!!
    
    

Please suggest other suspects and vengeance plans on the rants page or e-mail me at the usual address

You can contact me at businessman@pobice.co.uk